A Christmas Challenge

Some years ago there was series on TV called MASH.  On it was a character named Charles Emerson Winchester III played by David Ogden Stiers.  Maybe you remember, perhaps you don't.  Let me refresh your memory a little then.  Maj. Winchester was a surgeon from a uppity Boston family with old money.  Rich would about cover it.

Any way in this one particular show he receives from home a box of imported Belgium chocolates I believe, which he goes to great pains to give to the local orphanage in secret.  Anonymously.  It winds up being sold on the black market to provide money for the orphans to buy food to eat.  Through out the show he tries to come to grips with why they would do such a thing.  In the end all works out for the best.

The point that the character makes is that for this act to be truly an act of charity it has to be done completely anonymously with no expectation of reward or recognition.  I can think of nothing more fitting than that at this time of the year.

So here is the challenge,  find something or some one to help between now and the end of the year.  Do something nice or unexpected for them or the organization.  Give money to the school councilor so that he/she can spend it on presents for a child in need or just buy food so they can take it home over the holiday break and they won't go as hungry.  Pick out some one who is obviously struggling and leave a note with money, whatever you can spare, telling them to buy what they need with it.  Do it anonymously with no expectation of recognition or reward.  You will  be rewarded beyond words.

I know I have been.


Until next time......................

Moving

I know its been a while since I have written and it will be sporadic over the next weeks because we are moving.

I apologize to my fans, if such there are, for not writing consistently over the next few weeks.  Please forgive me.

I will ask two things of you the reader, first if you are near me please consider helping us pack up.  Second, if you are near where I am moving, please consider helping us unpack.  I do not ask this lightly as we are surely in desperate need of help because of both our health issues.

Thank you all, in advance, for any and all patience and help that you can give.

Bless you all.

Until next time...................

How I Became A Cat Bed

I realized two nights ago that I had become a cat bed.

Now this did not happen over night, but it did seem to happen in a blink of an eye.  You see ten or so years ago this little fluff ball of a kitten kept showing up at my wife's work.  No matter what she did this fluff ball kept coming back to her and even sat on the tire of the car so she could not drive off without her.

After some time she called me from work to come get this cat and take it home because she was afraid that it would get killed on the highway.  Now you have to know something about me.  I am not nor have I ever been a cat person.  I don't like them.  I prefer dogs who are, no matter how long I have been away, always happy to see me.  Cats just look at you with that attitude of, "Well it's about time you got back now where's my food.  Oh, by the by, my litter box needs cleaning out.  Do I really have to remind you of this every day?"

She is not even a good mouser.  She prefers to play with them until they are exhausted and then leave and go somewhere else to lay down and rest again because as all cats know being up for over 15 minutes is such a hardship.  She relies on the dogs to finally kill the mouse like that is beneath her dignity to do so.

Oh, she does seem to like me.  No she really does.  As do all cats.  I can sit and ignore them all day long hoping they get the message not to come around me but they wind up in my lap and purring.  If that doesn't work the head butting begins.  Hey look at me I'm sitting i your lap and purring the least you can do is pet me.  If I break down and pet her I wind up with a lap- or handful of cat fur because she sheds.  Not just once a year or so.  Every day of the year.  Maybe, if the stars align in the Milky Way and form the Cat Head formation, she will take one day off a year from shedding.  I guess that is what she does.

Getting back to the other night.  She came into the bedroom and on the bed where I am surrounded by the dogs.  She slowly creeps up on me while I am laying on my side plops like only cats can plop on my side and promptly........ fell.......... asleep.

That is how I became a cat bed.

Until next time.............

Things That I Am Thankful For

With everyone posting on Facebook what they are thankful for each day in November I thought I would do the same but on this blog.  So here goes...........

I am thankful for ALS for it has shown me what is really important in life and taught me to cherish the little things that so many of us take for granted.

I am thankful that I can get up each day for there will be a time I will not be able to get out of bed.

I am thankful for the pain because it reminds me that I am still alive.  Without life there is no pain.

I am thankful for pain pills that make the pain at least tolerable.

I am thankful that I can still swallow my pills as that is a small victory to be celebrated daily.

I am thankful for the friends who have shared their life with me.  Without friends none of us would survive.

I am thankful for my life with my Bride of 35 years.  She has made my life so much richer and rewarding.  I don't know what I would do without her.  I need her now more than ever.

I am thankful for my beautiful daughters and handsome son-in-law.  They have given me so much pleasure and joy in my life.  Makes me glad I didn't kill them when they were teenagers or shoot him when he first started coming around.

I am thankful for my grands as they let me see the world through their eyes and realize how wonderful the world really is.

I am thankful for the nature that surrounds me when I am in the woods.  It rejuvenates me and calms my spirit, putting everything into a better perspective.

I am thankful for my family that gave me such a hard time growing up and shows me much love now.  Without them I would not be me.  Without me they would not have had anyone to pick on.

I am thankful for my puppies for each and every day that show me just what unconditional love really truly is.  If you have never had a dog you don't know what I mean.

I am thankful for knowing a very special lady, Aletha Arnold.  Next to my mother she was the most caring and compassionate woman I have ever known.  RIP 11-17-2015.  I hope you're dancing with Clifford.

I could go on and on but it would get to be tedious for you the reader.  Think of what you are thankful for. Not just the big things, but the little things.  For those are often the things that enrich us more than the big things.

Oh and don't forget to tell the ones you love that you do indeed love them.  They can never hear that enough.


Until next time..............

Sounds

Sounds can be a most powerful stimulus of memory.  Just hearing certain things allows us to go to another time and place in our heads, to enjoy pleasant memories.  Such as:

The sound of a screen door slamming takes me back to warm summer days and running in and out of the house and being told not to slam the screen door.

The clatter of silverware on plates takes me to a time of a full table shared by my siblings.

Notes played in a certain sequence and rhythm.  Yeah, okay so a song.  Two come to mind, White Christmas because that is what my Mom always hummed during the holidays when she was making Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners.  The other I cannot remember the name of but is by David Bowie that played a lot on the radio when I was called up for Dessert Storm/Dessert Shield.  It takes me back to a time in the barracks waiting for, well just waiting.

The tinkle of a bell for no reason.  In the movie It's A Good Life, Clarence works to get his angel wings.  He explains to George that every time one rings an angel gets their wings.  Clarence has been waiting a long time for his bell to ring and George is his last chance to get his wings.  The last scene of the movie shows a bell ringing for no reason and you know Clarence got his wings.

The sound of a shotgun in the woods reminds me of hunts of years before when life was so much easier and simpler.  A pocket of shells and a string for the squirrels and off to the woods.  Maybe never even seeing one but having grand adventures battling the bad guys from the seat of the Overland Express Stage.

A child laughing and giggling.  We all, who are parents, know this sound.  The sound of unqualified and complete joy escaping with a burst of energy unmatched any where on this earth.

The ticking of a clock on a still afternoon when sleep will not quite come.  That state of not wakefulness and not sleep where it is so still and quiet that the clock is the only sound that you can hear with its slow methodical ticking.  Modern electric clocks are just not the same.

These are just some of the sounds that hold special meanings for me.  I am sure you have some of the same and others that are uniquely yours.  That's as it should be.  For memories are held dear by the individual and shared with the collective of mankind, but only if we have to.

I hope that each of you store up memories in sounds, and that they are as comforting to you as my memories are to me.


Until next time.............................

A Brief Time Line Of the Last 3 Years

Some time in December 2013 I had a mild stroke in the right parietal lobe of the brain.  Don't know exactly when it was as I only noticed a tendency to be very emotional about things and a slurring of my speech.  Did an MRI and compared it to another that I had done a year or two before that.  Sure enough it showed an old stroke.

It did not bother me much at all and I was already on the medicinal regimen that would be prescribed to me for a stroke so we did nothing for the time being.  That was in January of 2014.

Now fast forward to about March and I am in the hospital again with chest pains.  My doc comes in to see about me and he is alarmed about the speech problems I am having.  He gets me into speech therapy and I go off and on for nearly a year seeing a wonderful lady at least twice a week for speech and swallow therapy.

In the mean time I am loosing more and more speech ability and start seeing a neurologist.  The first one was a waste of good oxygen.  Judging from her I could have been a doctor.  Any way I finally got in to see a good neuro guy and he confirmed what I had felt for some time and that was this is something more serious than a stroke.

More tests and referrals and on January 27, 2015 I was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, ALS, or better known as Lou Gehrig's Disease.  Typical life expectancy is 3 to 5 years after onset of symptoms.  I have roughly 2 to 4 years.

The good side to this is ALS is considered a service connected disease and I am now 100% VA disabled.  Thanks to a very knowledgeable and compassionate person at the Paralyzed Veterans of America, Mr. Clyde Reed, I was able to get that disability in about three weeks time.

I now spend as much time as I can and as I feel up to it, doing the things that I love to do and what I missed out doing before for whatever reason.

If there is a silver lining to all of this, it is this; I am now more appreciative of the things that I can do and the people in my life.

If only we all were this way.


Until next time......................

Ramblings

Some times it is hard to come up with something to write about as any author can tell you.  There are, though, rambling thoughts that flash through my brain that some how sticks around for more than a nanosecond.  Here are some of them.

Are male Lady Bugs upset that they are called "Lady Bugs"?

A bowl of Fruit Loops have all sorts of different fruit flavor donuts in it that we would think of eating together if it were real fruit but taste amazing when eaten together with milk.

Should we start a movement to ensure the rights of male Lady Bugs not to be called Lady Bugs?

The number of leaves on the ground is in direct proportion to how long the burn ban has been in effect in your county/state.

If you wash your car in the Fall to get the tree rust off of it, it will inevitably rain and make the rust stains ten times worse.

Nothing says Fall like the smell of leaves burning.  That is definitely a Southern thing.

Maybe we should start a #freemaleLadyBugsfrombeingcalledLadyBugs.

Some thoughts just get stuck in our heads that are really trivial, but the really important ones you only remember for a few seconds and then you spend days trying to figure out what those thoughts were just so you can talk about them.

I am not scared of dying but of leaving my loved ones behind.

No one looks good sitting in a darkened room with their face lit only by the glow of the computer screen.

Pain is a good thing.  It reminds us we are still alive and can feel.

Why not eliminate daylight savings time and just adjust working and school schedules to take advantage of the available daylight hours?

I bet some of you will set up a mirror and try to see how you look sitting at a computer in a darkened room to see how you look with your face lit by the glow of the computer screen.  Admit it.  You thought about it.


Until next time..........................

Three Young Men

A tragedy happened here on Monday.

A simple statement of fact wrapped up in six small words, and yet, those words will never be able to adequately express how large and how deep this tragedy really is.

Three young men lost their lives.  Three young men, who should be thinking of the cute girl in the next row of desks.  Three young men who should be worrying about who to ask to the Homecoming Dance.  Three young men who should be daydreaming about making that perfect block in the the football game, or catching the pass that wins the game, or intercepting the pass from the other team and running it back for a touchdown.  Three young men who will never have the chance to do any of those things any more.

There are holes in the hearts of people tonight that will never be able to heal completely.  I am not sure if the scab will even be able to grow over the wound.  Oh sure there will come a time in the future when tears will not come when the thought of these three young men come unbidden, but the sadness will be just as great.  The families will know the pain longer than any who knew them.  Their friends will recover and move through the world and think of them from time to time and their hearts will heal.  The hearts of the parents never will.

Three young men are struggling tonight because of decisions that they made on Monday.  There will no shortage of "if onlys" said to each other and to themselves.  There will never be enough "if onlys" to truly explain what happened. Sadly there will be never enough to assuage the guilt of the survivor.  That will always and forever be there.  That is the second tragedy.  For those three young men will know that they survived while their friends did not and will either allow that to destroy their lives, or it will make them stronger in ways that cannot be foreseen.

Just as the rock that is thrown in the still pool, the ripples of this tragedy will spread and be felt by others at a far distant locations and times through out this world for years to come.  I can only hope that affect will be for the good.

As for now all I can say is Rest in Peace young men and know you were loved.


Until next time..............................

Our Memories

I am headed out tomorrow to go hunting.

I enjoy hunting even though I may not come home with anything.  It gives me the chance to get out in nature where nothing cares that I am ill, indeed dying.  She, nature, accepts death as an integral part of life.  Accepting all in this world who She knows will add to the cycle that we all are a part of; birth, life, death.

As surely as we all will meet that same end, we neither know, nor should we know, when that end will come.  I am luckier than most in that I know I have a time frame.  A time frame in which I have the chance to pack as much living into it as I can before I can no longer live a full life.

Then I will have memories that I can draw on to keep me company.  Good memories of crispy air on cold mornings; of the sound of turkeys at day break; a squirrel barking to let the morning know that it is up and raring to go; of the snort of a deer; of the sight of a doe and her fawn feeding not 20 feet from where I sat.  I have been, and continue to be, fortunate to see things in the woods that most people will never see.

These are the experiences that I cherish.  These are some of the memories that will sustain me.

There will be others of course, and that will be as it should be, for none of us are one dimensional.  None of us should be.  Unfortunately, because I hunt, there will be those that will only see me as a slayer of Bambi, the slaughterer of cute little squirrels, and on and on.

Others will only remember and see me as a man with ALS.

I am neither.  I am both.  I am so much more.

I can only hope that those that know me will not see me, nor remember me, as a one dimensional.


Until next time....................

Being Comfy

There are days that we all don't feel well and don't know why we don't.  Days where we are out of sorts but no one real complaint or cause to point to why we don't feel good.

That is how the last two days have been for me.  I have sat in a chair, only getting up to go to the bathroom.  I even slept in that chair for last two nights because I did not feel like reclining all the way down on the bed.  Besides I was just comfy where I was and didn't want to move.

I think we all want to do that at times.  Just sit where we are because we are comfy the way and where we are.  If we don't move ahead from that place we miss out on a lot of things in life, like adventures, achievements, love and growth.  Just imagine what we would be today if we had not taken the chance of moving from that comfy place, wherever and whatever that might be, and moved on to a place less comfy and a bit more challenging.

I still have things that I want to do that will not be exactly comfortable for me to achieve, but I refuse to sit and be comfy for the rest of the time that I have left.  Maybe I have a different perspective on life now that I have ALS.  Maybe I want to do some things that I never had the courage to do before for whatever reason.  Maybe it is just because I want to be defiant and thumb my nose at ALS and go and do what I want to do until I can do no more.

Maybe, but then again maybe I am just tired of 'just being comfy.'


Until next time............................

A Film To Share

I hope that I do not get in trouble for doing this, but below is a link to a short documentary film about ALS and one man's journey through this life that we now share.

Before you say it, and I say this with all humbleness, I am no hero.  This man is.

Now grab a tissue and sit in your quiet space for about 20 minutes and get a glimpse into ALS survival.

https://www.facebook.com/megan444/posts/10156167631585080?comment_id=10156170243670080



Until next time........................

Be Whole

Part of who I am is that I hunt.

Another part of who I am is that I have ALS.

Neither define me as a whole, just as I am a reader and author.  Maybe you like to read.  Maybe you like to water ski in the summer and snow ski in the winter.  Neither of those make in total who you are.  We are all complex in our own ways and have our own niches.  What we do and what we enjoy doing, go to make us whole.

Since being diagnosed with ALS I have made an effort to put emphasis on the things that make me happy, like reading, hunting, fishing, cooking for my baby, holding hands and cuddling, telling those that are special to me that I love them and miss them, being content with the simple things in life and packing as much as I can into just living.

I seem to smile more now and enjoy deeper and love harder than before.  I look at all of this as positives.  Positives that have come out of knowing I am nearing the end of my life.  And that is a shame.  I should not have had to come to this place in my life because I am dying.  I should have been this way from the beginning.  

As you should be.

Be happy with yourself and do things to make you happy.  Smile more, love deeper, work hard and play harder, tell the ones that are special to you that you love them, hold the hand of that special person in your life, give random hugs, laugh at silly things, read that book you always wanted to read, go to the movies more often and make out in the back row like you did in high school, be spontaneous.

Don't wait.  Do it today!


Until next time..........................

Reflections

I know that my words do not reach a world wide audience like those of a national celebrity or authority.  I know that my feeble attempts at telling the truth and offering comfort to those in pain will not go viral.  There are times that we know these things but we need to try anyway.

First and foremost, my heart hurts for the loved ones left behind to grieve and suffer for the loss of loved ones by the actions one very deranged and evil individual in Oregon.  I cannot imagine what I would do if I lost one of my girls, or my grandkids.  I do know that it would cause my death to come quicker.  I do know that I would die with hatred in my heart and soul, instead of the joy of a life well lived.  I know that this bitterness would never leave me until the last breath leaves me.

I also know it is wrong to turn, or try to turn, this tragedy into something political.  This, no matter how good the intentions, serves no good purpose.  It does not comfort.  It does not right this wrong.  It serves only to cause despair and cheapens the lives lost.  This is not the time.  This is not the situation.  It is simply wrong!

I can only think now of the parents, brothers, sisters, relations of all sorts who are in the throws of grief tonight.  Their world collapsing, crashing, crushing their hopes, their lives and their hearts.  This is where our thoughts should and ought to be.

John Donne had it right when he wrote, "No man is an island, Entire of himself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main.  If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less."

Tonight, I am less than I was before.

Until next time............................

More of Maine

The second day in Maine found us tired but still excited to be there.  After all of the travel the day before we rested, napped, stirred, and rested and napped more.  The day was softly perfect for just relaxing and it was exactly what we needed.

Our newly "adopted" grandchild that we had come to see, was not feeling all that good, running a high fever and consequently cranky and only wanting his mom.  With little else to do we, we looked around the area where the cabin is.

If you remember Cabot Cove of TV fame, you can picture the cost where we were.  Blackfish Cove is its name and a beautiful place it is.  It seems that early in the last century on a Sunday morning when most of the population was in church, a school of Blackfish (a relative of whales) had beached themselves at the head of the cove.  An alert fisherman, whom I suspect was not a keen church goer, saw this and ran to the church and interrupted the service to tell of the beaching.  Long and short of it the services were cut short and the congregation rushed to the cove to take advantage of the windfall of meat, oil, and blubber.  From that day forward it was known as Blackfish Cove.

The cabin itself sits about 200 yards from the beach.  It is easy to see the rhythm of the sea from the front porch.  This was something that we took full advantage of while there, watching the water rise and recede with the regularity of the ages.  Even though I was born and raised in the mountains of Arkansas I will say that there is a pull in me to be part of the sea.  To see all of its changes and convolutions; its calmness and its furry, much as I enjoy thunderstorms and gentle breezes in the tops of the trees on a lonely ridge in the mountains I call home.  If the winters were not so harsh I could find myself in Maine, feeling at home with the people and the land.  Another home among gentle and caring people.

I will not lie though, by the end of our stay I was ready to come back to my home, to my hills.

Eventually all worked out with the car and transportation, allowing us to explore and see some things we never would have been able to if we had stayed at home.  We did get to see "our" grandson and visit with his Dad and Mom and his other extended family.  We had our seafood and our fire on the beach.  We had our spirits renewed and souls refreshed.

More importantly, we bonded.  We bonded with the family we never knew, the new found friends we found, the people of the land, and the land and sea.  When we left, we left a part of our hearts there, and that is as it should be.

Thank you for letting us be a part of you.

Until next time........................

Planes, Trains, Buses, and New Friends

I must beg your, the reader's, forgiveness for not posting anything for such a long time, but a lot has been happening in life that has prevented me doing so.  First was the Maine trip, and a series of doctors appointments afterwards.  Then when we got home, we discovered that we had actually forgotten to pay the electric bill.  Yep no electricity.  Now, after two days at home we are back with our youngest because of her medical problems she is having.  Out of the last three weeks we have been home a total of 48 hours.  Any body want to take over my life?

Now for the meat of the matter.

As many know we had a trip planed for Maine for a few months and when we finally got to go it was exciting for both of us.  Little did we know that we would almost be reflecting the movie "Planes,Trains and Automobiles."

First was the plane ride.  Every thing went well except for a minor hitch in Atlanta, where the shuttle train was having problems.  We had about 20 minutes to catch our flight to Boston from there and the train was down for 10 of those minutes.  We were the last ones on I think.  There may have been only one more to board after us.

Before we got to Boston we received word that there had been a problem with the car we were suppose to have access to while we were there.  We decided to try and rent one in Boston and drive the rest of the way to Friendship, Maine.  Having never rented one, we had no idea that we would need credit cards to rent one because they would not take cash.  Needless to say no car!

After an hour or two in Boston we settled on catching a bus to Portland, ME where our host's parents would pick us up and drive us the rest of the way into Friendship and their rental cabin.  Catching that bus was one more adventure in and of itself.  Thirty minutes of standing room only in a sardine packed shuttle bus with no room to sneeze we got to the bus station.  By now Golddean's back is killing her but she would not give up!

Up, across, down and through, up and around, and finally to the ticket counter.  Fortunately we only had about 20 minutes to wait for the next bus to Portland, where we met new friends.  Our host's parent, Celia and Chuck.  We were greeted with warmth and kindness, more than we could have ever expected.  Friends were discovered that we never knew we had.

Making a some what long story shorter, we finally arrived at the cabin at 10 pm after starting our day at 5 am that morning.  We were tired and hurting but we were happy as well.  

It all goes to show that even with adversity in life there is oft times a golden, silver lined cloud just around the corner, and that is exactly what we found in Maine.

More latter when I have time to write and a place to send it from.


Until next time........................

Two Different Reactions

We were in Wal Mart today picking up some things before we take off to Maine in a few days.  While there we saw a beautiful little girl with corn silk white hair come out of the bathroom.  I just happened to be wiping my mouth when she saw me.  Her eyes got real big and in the innocence of youth asked me if I was okay.  Golddean told her that I was okay but that I just had a hole in my mouth.  The little girls response?  "Why is it broken?"

In the same trip today, I was 'talking' to a lady that we have become friendly with who works in the Sporting Goods Department.  I was showing her that I could speak to her with the new app on the phone.  A man was standing there and said something that I don't remember now, but my wife explained to him that I have ALS and can't speak any more.  You could tell by his expression that he really didn't know what the heck she was talking about, but did not want to ask anything else.

I wish, at times, that adults would be a little more child like and ask questions.  I am sure most adults don't want to look like they are prying, or are ignorant (notice I did not say stupid).  I would much rather have them ask and then explain to them what I am going through, than for them to sit, or stand, there with that look on their face of "What the Hell?"

What is even worse, I think, is when it actually sinks in that what I am telling them, is that I am slowly dying.  You almost want to put your arms around them and tell them it is okay, all is as it should be.

Strange how it is that I seem to comfort friends and  strangers alike when they feel so terrible for me, when it is they that want to comfort me.

Maybe that is just me being child like.


Until next time.......................

Family

In a few more days I will be leaving on a trip to a place I have never been before to visit with family that is no blood relation but none the less family.

I tell you, the reader of this, for a couple of reasons.  I know that I sometimes go several days between posts but this will be for an extended period and I do not wish to worry those that know me, and those that are following my blog to think that something terrible has happened.  I will be taking notes and probably have several things in mind to talk about when I get back.  Have patience with me and I assure you I will be back, just like Arnold.

Another reason is to try and explain a little about family.  We all know about our family of brothers and sisters, if you are lucky enough to have those, of aunts and uncles and cousins and all sorts of other relatives.

If we are lucky we have others that are part of our lives who are family.  I am blessed more than most to have a list of these that stretch from Canada to South Louisiana.  From the East coast to the West coast.  This family is made up of people from a wide range of backgrounds, philosophies, economic situations, and cultures.  I did not actively seek them out and I am sure that they did not seek me out, but in some way we found each other and that special connection clicked.  We are no less family than if we have blood ties.

I find my thoughts going to them each day and at odd times, and these thoughts of them buoy me up and make my fight more important to me.  Yes, I have that with my family.  Especially with my girls and with my brothers.  I am sure that in the future this family will serve as a motivation for me to keep going through the pain and decreasing abilities that it holds.

If you don't have this extended family in your life I can only wish that you will some day find it and be blessed for it.  I know that I have been blessed by having them.  I can only hope that they feel the same of me.

Until next time.................

Perfect Shades

I remember sitting in the yard at my grandparent's house when I was 6 or 7 years old and my grandfather telling me about the shade that was provided by the tree we were sitting under.  He had said that at one time the tree had provided a perfect shade.  What he meant by that is there was no sunlight that filtered through the tree.

I thought of that the other day.  I have no idea why that particular memory came back to me.  It was just a snippet of a film clip that played in my head and then was gone.  I didn't appreciate what he had said at that time other than be impressed that a tree could do such a thing.  Then again it was young, in the sense of tree years, and strong.  Just as we all were at one time.

Then the storms of life come along and start chipping away at the strength and perfection that we once had and were.  Our lives start to show the signs of living, with spots of sunlight shining through our perfection.  Such as it is with me now.  I am now, showing more and more my imperfections that my body is forced to undergo with this disease.  I am no longer the perfect shade for my loved ones.

Instead I am riddled through and through with something that I cannot fight and can no longer provide that perfect shade to shelter my loved ones.  Should I conserve my strength to fight this and let them take on the mantle of the perfect shade?

I may never know.

What I do know is that at one time, for the briefest of moments, I enjoyed the perfect time, and the perfect shade of that tree with my grandfather.  I can only hope that my grandkids will have their "perfect time" memories of me.

Until next time....................

Addicted

I received an email from a dear friend this morning about a devise that looks like a pepper mill, indeed is a functional pepper mill, but is actually a devise that when activated will shut off all electronic devises in the house including television.

What a classic idea.

I am old and I am about to tell you how old.  When growing up my Dad got off of work at 5 pm.  Unless he had to stop at the feed barn or run another errand for my Mom, he would be home at 5;05.  My mother would have supper on the table and ready for him to eat when he got there.  We would sit and eat and the TV would be off.  Of course in that day and age there was not much worth watching as it still is with more than 200 available cable channels to choose from, from 5 to 5:30.

The National news was the first to come on at 5:30 and that was the only exception to having the TV on during meal times.  The local news, local being the city 75 miles away, would come on at 6.  Besides the ten o'clock  news that was it for news broadcasts until 6 am the next morning.

Meals were a good time for us.  We didn't talk that much as I recall but being together with few distractions was wonderful in and of its self.

Then came cell phones.  We became fascinated with being able to take calls, text, and surf the web from something that didn't even have a cord.  For my generation it was almost magical in its function.  We focused so much on getting to know everything that that graham cracker sized piece of electronics could do that we soon developed a habit, in short became addicted.

We wanted to know, and know now.  We talked/played/surfed on it until we fell asleep from exhaustion and woke up sometime later with the phone on our stomach, at which time we just had to check our mail.  Not only did we use it as an alarm, we checked it again for messages as soon as the alarm went off for the second or third time.

Now our kids think it is normal to do this, and if they are not on it five minutes after hanging up they complain that they have no friends.

In the mean time we we have lost the good times of just being together without a phone glued to an ear or music blaring in an ear bud, or texting constantly, or LOL'ing at posts on social media and updating our status from 10 minutes ago.  I think it time for something to happen to bring those times back.

Pepper any one?


Until next time....................

Thoughts On The Future And A Thank You

Just back from the ER.......again.

Two years ago I was in and out of the ER and hospital quite frequently.  Chest pains and other problems running the gambit from hernias to my knee.  It seemed that I could not stay out of the hospital for more than two months at a time.  Up to last week I had not been in the ER this whole year.  Now in a one week period I have been there twice.

It scared me.  Not because of anything major wrong, but knowing that in the future, nearer than I want it to be, I may be there more and more.  As my disease progresses I know my journeys there will be more frequent and my stays longer each time.  That's what scares me.  Knowing that I will be there and not around people that I love and not where I want to be.  Oh, I know the people that I love and that love me will be there for me, but it is not the same thing.  By a long shot.

On another note, I want to say a word of praise for the people that take care of me here.  They, with very few exceptions, are very professional and very caring.  I have never been taken care of with such concern for my comfort and well being as I am here.  I will miss this, and them more and more as time goes by.  I wish I could take them all with me when I move.  Realistically, I know I can't.  Thank you Nurses and Doctors and all support personnel!  Y'all Rock!


Until next time..........................

Catching Up

It has been a while since I last wrote and many things have been going on in that time.

We took the grandkids home and they will be starting school on Monday again.  A time that all kids loath and all parents look forward to.  We dropped them off to their Mother on Wednesday and when we got back home we were greeted with a strange but welcomed silence.  I had wanted to get in a few more hunting and fishing trips with the boys but couldn't work it in.  Another trip to Mammoth Springs would have been nice too.

On Thursday we met with my niece in Little Rock and had a short but enjoyable visit with her.  I then was able to go to Bass Pro Shop and poke around.  To say that the people put on quite a show is something of an understatement.  Friendly sales staff and lots and lots to see.  You almost have to go and take a few hours just to look around.  Then maybe again that is what they want you to do.  It is a proven fact that the longer you can keep people in a store, the more money they will spend.  I must admit we did buy a few odds and ends.

On the way back and after we picked up our four legged girls, I dropped my rifle off at my cousin's son's house so he could work up a leather shell holder for my .45-70 Govt.  It was good to meet him and to visit with him and just relax instead of hurrying on home for once.

When we got home I finally admitted to myself that I was not feeling that well.  I started coughing and gagging.  Hard coughs.  Those that you think will bring up toe nails eventually.  I coughed so much I made myself sick, although my stomach was not feeling good to begin with.  I tried to throw up which is impossible for me because of a hernia repair I had done several years ago.  What I did bring up was just gross.  Not only that but it had blood in it.  After getting in bed I threw up some bright red blood.

Long and short of it we wound up in the hospital and yesterday I had an EGD to find out where the blood was coming from.  My peg tube and gotten pulled and in the process caused an ulceration in my stomach which proceeded to bleed and make me sick.  I am glad they found it and got it corrected.  I just hope that I don't have this to look forward to in the future.  

In the future I know there will other stays in the hospital and times of not feeling good.  I hope that they are few and as far between times as I can make them.  Until then I will be jamming in as much life as I can and playing with my big boy toys and just enjoying life as I am given it.

Until next time........................

Of Things Beyond Our Understanding

I got a late night text last night from a child I dearly love.  At first it scared me because of the hour that I received it.  Usually, as most parents know, when you get a text or phone call late at night it is about something bad that has happened.  Not so last night and if you give me just a little of your patience I will explain.  Sort of.

To understand this you must know where I am coming from in my raising.  My Dad was a Deacon in our Baptist Church growing up.  Every time that there was something going on at the church he was there to lend support and do what was needed.  We were always there early and I think that is where I get my insistance of being early wherever the wife and I go, which leads to some conflict between my wife and I as she is always late.  I tell her that she will be late to her own funeral and I sincerely hope she is.

Any way I was raised as a Baptist and baptized as a Baptist.  My Army dog tags even reflect that.  I even went to a Baptist college, Ouachita Baptist University, and was married in a Baptist Church.  The churches my family attended when the girls were young were all Baptist.  I no longer consider myself as Baptist.  When people ask now I tell them that I am either Druid, or Celtic (that is with a hard 'c' on both ends).

The reason being?  Several years ago there was a movement within the SBC and by a lot of the SBC pastors to politicize the pulpits.  They went so far as to say and I quote, "If you voted for Clinton you will go to hell!"  This from a pulpit on a Sunday morning.  Time, energy, money, and space was devoted in bulletins and official church publications telling parishioners how and who to vote for, what causes to support, and if you did not then you were certain to burn in Hell.

To begin with, when Paul was faced with the same, or similar, questions, his response was this, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's."  Also in the charges to pastors, he emphasizes caring for the spiritual, and physical well being of the flock, bringing hope and encouragement to the down trodden and sinful.  There is no where in Biblical teaching where it is stated that preachers/pastors have the responsibility to tell their flock what to do politically.  And nor should they.

This, and I will have good friends who will try and tell me I should not feel this way, is why I left 'organized' religion.  I go to church not to hear of things political, but to renew my soul, and to find comfort for it as well.  If this is wrong so be it.  Those that know me, I think, will see my true beliefs reflected in how I try to live each and every day.

Now to the question that started this off,  "Daddy do you believe in God?"  The short answer is this, I believe that there is a higher power that has charge of the whole of what we can see, of what we can understand, of we cannot understand, and what we cannot see.  Has this belief changed since being diagnosed with ALS?  No.  I am at peace with what is going on with my body and my eventual demise and I think that is a large part of what religion is meant to give to us.

(Sorry for this being so long today, I just could not answer this in one line.  If you have been offended by what I have said, I will not apologize because each of us are entitled to our own beliefs and opinions.)


Until next time....................

More Randomness Ramblings

If you watch The Walking Dead have you wondered where they keep getting all of the ammunition and crossbow bolts since there is no one to run the factories to produce them?

There are those in the world that think they are doing great things by just living.

Puppies and cats know more than we think and are smarter than we are.

I miss the taste of good coffee.  On the deck.  Early in the morning.  Watching the world wake up.

The boys keep me guessing and on my toes.  Not a bad thing at all.

Old friends are the best friends.  Not because they know where the bodies are but because they still love you despite them knowing all of your faults.

Being with some one and not having to talk and still have a good time is priceless.

There is no one in the world more precious than a sleeping child in the arms of his mother.

There is in each day a miracle, you just have to keep your eyes open to see them.

I hope these make you think just a little and maybe make your day a little better than it was.


Until next time...............

Sometimes Shorter Is Better

As some know there are two things on my bucket list that I want to do above all others before I pass.  One is to go feral hog hunting and the other is to take a deer by archery and modern gun in the same year.

To fulfill one and a half of those items I bought a Henry H010 .45-70 not too long ago.  Should be enough gun to take care of anything in North America unless Woolly Mammoths should be suddenly resurrected through the efforts of modern science.

Having failed miserably when in my youth trying to learn how to shoot a recurve bow, and now sadly lacking the strength to manipulate a compound bow, I decided that I may need to try that dreadful imitation, according to bow purist, a crossbow.

I did my research and looked at my limitations, monetary (some going for as much as $3,000 or more) and physical (I really didn't see me being able to pull the bow string on a 165 lb pull weight), and finally settled on one from a local Mom and Pop shop here in town.  I bought it from there because I knew I could take it back and have any problems taken care of by their on site bow guy.

I went out today and zeroed the sights and was very pleased overall with it, wait for it, except for one thing.  It came with a cocking rope that halves the draw weight to approximately 86 lbs.  Before I plunked down the money for it yesterday I made sure that would a comfortable weight for me to handle.  I had no problem at all at the shop.  Today, however, was a slightly different story.  I did seem to be able to pull it far enough back to get the bow string into the firing mechanism and locked up to fire.  No matter how hard I pulled or the different techniques I tried I just could not get it to lock up.

A friend from next door made the comment that I needed to shorten the stroke by about six inches.  (Insert here that look of incredibly-obvious-ideas-that-I-should-have-known looks.)

I thought to myself, "Well duh turtle breath, shorten the cocking rope!"  I did by taking up about three inches on each handle and tried again.  Yeppers I finally got that brain you promised oh mighty Wizard of Oz!  For the rest of the time we shot it today, it was a pleasure and I had no problems at all cocking it.  Success!

Some times shorter is better and in this case, all I had to do was shorten up on the rope and success followed.

I'll let you know if I get the bucket list completed.  I might even invite you to the wild game BBQ.  If you're good.  And if I feel like it.....

Until next time......................

I Don't Have To Imagine

Imagined I passed away
If you don't care: stop reading
If you would come to my funeral: like this
If you would miss me: comment
If your not scared: repost and see who your real friends are.

I saw this today and passed it on by scrolling through to get to another Facebook posting. To tell the truth I usually do just that and forget about the posting. Today. Today I started to do just that.  

Three postings later I changed my mind. It is not because I had a particularly bad day, for it was not a bad day. I had seen today some friends that made a round trip, in one case, from Louisiana, in the other from extreme South AR. In fact if it is a rather calm day they can hear the oil wells in Texas pumping up crude, black gold, Texas tea........... Sorry had a Beverly Hills Hillbillys flashback. Both were in pain of one kind or another. I just hoped that I brightened their day for they sure brightened mine!

Back to my story......

I think it might have been because of an unknowingly hurtful remark made to my daughter by some one who does not know that I have ALS. The lady said in effect that with how hard I have worked all of my life, I deserve to enjoy the rest of my life.

My daughter did not say anything to her but she was hurt. I am sure from what I know of the person that she would never have said that to save her life. But she did.

So I stopped after three posts and retraced my steps and this is what I posted:

"Guys I want to say something about posts like this. As one who is slowly dying each day from ALS, I really resent these types of posts. There are others that might not have what I have, but just the same as I, are dying a little bit each day, and like me, resent these posts. We have enough to do each day to not be reminded in such a frivolous way that death is always with us. Our families and extended families are hurt by these things as well. They are reminded in, what is meant to be humor, that they are dying and worse that people think death is something to laugh about. I don't say this to be cruel, and you certainly have the right to post what you want to, just please, please think of those like me before you hit the enter button. Have a great rest of your life. I know I will be, for however long that will be."

I will leave that with you to mull over in the odd moments of your day. If it bothers you, do what you think best. I am not looking for an apology or added sympathy from anyone, for I don't feel I deserve either. What you do is up to you. All I ask is go home after you think about this and hug every person in that house who is important to you and tell each and every one how much and why you love them. Then simply post on Facebook or any other place you might go and say, "I hugged my family."

That's it. No explanation. If some one should ask, then explain in an IM, PM, or any other private communication why you posted that. Better yet give them the link to this post and let them decide what they will do.

For those that don't care, so be it and I wish for you the most amazing rest of your life that any one who has lived has ever had.  

I know the rest of mine will be just that and very hard to beat.



Until next time..............................

Just Goes To Show

I was at the store a little bit ago and I heard a lady's voice from behind me say, "Hey Proud Veteran."

I pause now to explain to you why she would have addressed me in such a way.  I bought a t-shirt from an online marketer that says on the front left breast Proud Veteran.  On the back it says something to the effect that "I am a veteran.  My oath of enlistment has no expiration date."  I saw it. I liked it.  I thought it pertinent.  I bought it.  I have worn it several times and have not, until today, had any one comment on it or to me.  Obvious this lady saw the shirt and liked what it had to say.  I did not take offense at how she got my attention at all.  After all I didn't know her nor she me.

Okay back to my tale.

I was on my way out and had not taken my AR Hillbilly iPad in with me as I was going in only for a half gallon of milk and right back out.  I turned and looked at her and expected what?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe she was angry and wanted me to turn my t-shirt inside out or just burn it.  Maybe she wanted to know where to get one.  I just don't know what I expected.  What I got was, a very sincere, very quietly stated, "Thank you for your service."

As best I could I said thank you to her.

As many of you know I make a habit, or did, to shake the hand of any veteran I see and thank them for their service.  Especially the Viet Nam Vets, and Korean Vets.  The latter served in "The Forgotten War" and the former got the shaft while I got a parade.  And that is personal with me as I don't believe either deserved what we got.

It just goes to show, you do something unexpected and heartfelt and it will come back to haunt you.

It did me today.

Until next time.....................

Note: Yeah I know, two posts in two days!  I am about to go and check my temp.

Mile Stones and Grandson

Little Man passed a mile stone today.

Many of my friends who fish will understand when I say that if you fish long enough and hard enough sooner or later we all get hooked.  Not on the sport of fishing but really, truly, actually hooked.  That is exactly what happened today.

He was at the neighborhood creek fishing under the supervision of his older brother and he put one barb of a treble hook through his arm just above his elbow on his left arm.  Being the ripe old age of 7 it scared him a little, well actually a whole lot, but he would not let Papa take care of getting it out.  A trip to the ER and some nice medical personnel the hook was removed and he was a very brave Little Man.  He is home now and doing so fine all is forgotten and he is back to normal.

I wish life was like that, and some day it might be.

I hope that the next mile stone he passes is a lot less painful than this one.  Maybe I will be there to see him and maybe not, but I will know and be proud of him no matter what.

His arm will heal and the scar will be there for the rest of his life.  I hope that when he is asked about it he will be on the river with a pole in his hand and a stringer of nice bass, ummm maybe brim, and a grandson looking at him with big round eyes full of adoration and worship as he looks at me now.

I know how he will feel at that moment, because that is how I feel every day that he looks at me.

Until next time...................

Happy Birthday Little Man

Tomorrow is my Little Man's 7 birthday.

I have lived with him for most of those 7 years.  I have seen him discover the world and through his eyes have rediscovered some of it myself.

It is amazing to me that kids will make us look anew at things that we take for granted and see every day, but to them it is all new and wonderful.  Sometimes terrible too.  To see the wonder though is renewing and I feel like a kid again too.

At the same time, I am scared at how he will take my dying.  He knows that I am truly and terribly sick.  I do not believe that he does realize what death is.  He has seen pets pass and dead squirrels of course, but not one that he loves and part of his family that has died.  And it breaks my heart that I will have to be the one to give him that experience.

For the time being of course we will celebrate his birthday and lavish him with love tomorrow so that we all can be happy and share that happiness with each other.

I love you Little Man and I always will.  Have a good life, and when you think of me, I hope you remember the times we fished, and "hunted" together.  The times we laughed until we were silly.  The times we teased your Nana.  The times Bigfoot left you notes and watched over you while you slept.  The times we had snuggled in my chair and watching the same shows for the thousandth time while you tell me what will happen next.  

I love you Little Man so very much.

Until next time..............

Love Is More Than A Feeling

Some people say that an intangible cannot take up physical space by it's very definition.  I beg to differ.

This past weekend a part of my family that I normally see only on the occasion of funerals got together.  These cousins were the same ones who, as children, bonded in a certain and very real way that time and distance has not diminished.

It could be that we all played in the old barn at our grandparent's farm.

It could be that we used our imaginations to liven up lazy summer afternoons by writing plays and acting them out.

It could be that our uncles, bless them all, made us corn cob pipes and we smoked rabbit tobacco out of them and turned lovely shades of green.

It could be we raided the garden for English Peas that were sweeter than candy.

It could be the old front porch swing that held 6 grandkids before it finally broke and spilled them all over the porch.

It may be many more funny and almost forgotten things that we did as kids.

I think though, that it is the love that we were taught for family.  More than taught that family is the most important thing in the world, we were shown.  We kids were given a great deal of latitude in those days, after all how much trouble could we get into on a 120 acre farm, but we were disciplined by any adult that happened to be in swatting distance of our behinds if we messed up.

We bonded.

As far as intangibles filling up a space, this weekend I saw a building filled with love, laughter, and good memories that time will never erase or change.  Thank you cousins, but more importantly thank you parents, aunts, and uncles for showing us the way family should be.

Until next time...........................

Comfort

I have not written in a few days as you know.

There are some things that take a while to get used to.  We tend to bury things deep inside to insulate ourselves from the pain and hurt.

Things like death.

Okay, I am not talking about my death.  I am narcissistic at this point in my life, but not that narcissistic.

A friend of our's husband passed away in February, and his memorial service was held this weekend.  Our friend lives in Chicago but has property here in Northern AR.  Her husband wanted to be part of that land, and so his ashes were spread upon the land, and it was this ceremony that we attended.  I knew that it would be hard on G, I had not anticipated how it wold affect our grandsons.

They had played hard before the ceremony with the other kids that were there.  Even driving down to the back forty (literally) they were so good and having a good time riding in the back of a truck there.  When it came time for the ceremony they both became very quiet and respectful.  They both came and held our hands.

They knew how hard it was for both of us, and they gave comfort to us.

When we packed up to leave they were back to themselves.  Running and playing and having a good time.

If there is a lesson in that, it is this.  Play hard.  Be somber when need be.  Go back to playing hard.

Believe me the deceased will not be offended.

Until next time..............

Happy Birthday America!

I was watching the fireworks tonight with the grandsons and wondered how many more Forth of July's I would be around to see, but not just that.  I thought of the soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines who fought from the very first day, in 1776 to the present.

I thought of Washington in Valley Forge when he didn't have enough food, shelter, or equipment for his Army.  The privates that left bloody footprints in the snow.

I thought of "Old Hickory" Jackson and his men marching to New Orleans, engaging the British Army in that day when the War of 1812 was already over.

I thought of JEB Stewart, Stonewall Jackson, Ulysses Grant, Sherman, and many more Generals torn apart because of a war that threatened to tear a nation apart.  The soldiers of the South fighting without pay and so starved that they stop fighting to pillage wagons for food in the Yankee supply trains.

I thought of Teddy Roosevelt and his Western men in Cuba fighting the Spanish and the unseen enemy of Yellow Fever and malaria.

The Lost Battalion in that forest in Europe.  Of the privates in the trenches.  Those dashing young men in their flying machines who ushered in a third dimension to war that would be more horrible than any could imagine when it came to age in WWII.

I thought of the Marines that fought the Banana Wars between the World Wars in Central and South America.

I thought of the submariners that were the first to strike back at a deceitful and vengeful enemy in 1941.  Of the airmen whose duty it was to destroy a city with one single bomb to end that conflict.

I thought of all of the ones from Korea and Viet Nam to today in Afghanistan, and Iraq.

All of them men in young boy's bodies.  Some of them not old enough to vote, but old enough to leave part of themselves in a foreign land for the people of that land who neither wanted them nor cared if they lived or died.

I was a part of them once.  It is likely that I somehow contracted ALS because of my service to my country.  Do I regret it?  NO!  Would I do it again? Absolutely. Would I do it again with the knowledge of what was to become in my life?  Without hesitation or regret.

So tonight I say Happy Birthday America.  I wish for you to endure for another 239 years!  I don't know if I will be here next year to say this or not, but I know that I will be looking over my loved ones if I am not.

Until next time......................

A Most Wonderful Summer

I have been lucky this summer on several levels.

We have had our grandkids in several different combinations most of the summer.  The two who have been here the most are the grandsons.  They have kept me going to a certain extent.  Fishing, and hunting being the most requested activities.  Now it is fireworks.  We will go buy some today so that they will have some to celebrate with, if the rain stops.

That is another thing.  I doubt there could be a better summer than this one weather wise.  It has not been overly hot and downright cool at night.  Not too dry and rain when we need it.  I can remember a few summers like this, but this one, this one, is so much more special than any that have come before.  Call it fatalistic if you want, but I doubt that I will have that many more to enjoy like this one.

We are not struggling this year either.  With SSD and VA Disability we can make our bills and have some money left over to do other things besides sit at home and worry about using up what little is left in gas to go and get essential things done.  This is such a relief, that if you have never been in that kind of a situation you can not know how good that feels.

There are few things that we have planned for the rest of the summer.  One is a family reunion of cousins this month.  This may be the last reunion that I get to know about and see these wonderful relations.  To know that they care enough to come from all over to gather and have fun means so much to me.  I am sure that I will have something to say about this latter on.

The other is a trip to a place we have never been before, Maine, and to meet family we only discovered we had.  This is the special family that we all have.  The ones that are not related by blood but we have a bond that is as close as blood.  I look forward to this trip like no other I have ever taken or ever will take.

If you have not had a wonderful summer so far I hope that it gets better for you soon.  Maybe it is just a matter of perspective.  For when you know that death will soon be here, you enjoy things that bring pleasure that much more, and rightly you should.

Yes, I have been lucky, and I would not trade this wonderful feeling for anything!

Until next time.......................

Written Because I Have Nothing Else to Write About

I have been hurting the last few days, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't need to be writing anything, to any one, about anything that needs concentration.  Especially when I take my pain med (right now a mild one compared to what I will sooner or later be on).  Here is an example:

Me:  (Mid afternoon after being up at 4:30 to hunt)  We should have gone sooner.

Billy:  Why?

Me:  To hunt.

Billy:  We got there before sun up.

Me:  The sun was up?

Billy:  (Looks confused)

Me:  WE got the sun u

Billy:  No.  You woke me up remember?

Me:  Oh okay.

And then there is the conversations that go on in my head, but we won't go there.  Nope that is even scary to me and its my brain that hears those voices.

Then again they do come up with some really good things to think about like why is the McBurgler never arrested?  Are they just a bunch of clowns at McDonald's or what?

Do you have to be redheaded to work at Wendy's?

Was Jessica Rabbit really just drawn that way or what?  If Jessica Rabbit's singing career goes south could she get a job at Hooters at her age?

Until next time.............

A Wake Before We Go

I have started to reach out to those folks that I have met along the way.  I don't want to seem narcissistic nor egotistical but it is important for me.  I am trying to do it in such a way, that if some who really couldn't stand me then, will not have to contact me now.  They have that option and I am not forcing myself on them.

It is funny how people will suddenly become friendly with you when they realize you will not be around that long.  I do not want to seem hypocritical and make all friendly with people I really could not stand to be around when I was not ill.  Why should I do that now that I am ill?  It just doesn't sit well with me.

Besides that I might feel as if I should tell people off.  Which would take some doing, because I would have to write it down on the AR Hillbilly iPad which would give me writer's cramp or I would have to sign it to them and I doubt that they would even understand that.  I think that either way I would be in trouble.

I wonder how many people would come if I held my own wake?  Before I die of course.  Set up a party and throw open the doors for anyone who wishes to come, and see how many people show up.  Now that would be the thing to see, an Irish wake with the guest of honor up and walking around, listening to all of the stories being told and get the goodbyes said to me in person.

Ah not that would be the thing.

Until next time..............

Cousin/brothers Cousin/sisters

Cousin/brother cousin/sister.

These are my contribution of two new words to the American English language for this year.  The definition?  Cousins that are so close that they are more a brother or sister living in a different home with different parents but are still related.  I came up with this term while watching my grand-kids this week.  They have spent so much time together in their short lives that they are more like brothers and sisters than cousins.  And they fight like they are brother and sisters.  Believe me it is not that pretty.

I only had one set of cousins that were close enough physically to be considered cousin/brothers and sisters.  Despite them moving back to my home town when the eldest one was a teenager, people I had grown up with thought they were my brothers and sister.  Here I am short and dark headed and they were all redheaded or shading that way and tall.

As most of my brothers and one sister were gone from home by the time I hit middle school (at that time 7th grade) y cousins became a second family to me.  They would include me in their activities and would let tag along with them at football and basketball games.  To a shy, somewhat backwards kid this was a godsend.

Later when the boys were old enough to drive they would come get me and take me hunting or fishing or any other activity I might have liked.  I, and they, went our own ways for a while, still keeping in touch through our parents so that we would know what was going and how we were doing.  We saw each other at family gatherings and other places.  I even worked for one briefly.  We have talked more now that my health is what it is.  That's a shame too.  It should not take the impending death of a person to reforge the ties that bind.

To them and my other set of cousin/sisters, I want to tell them of my love and gratitude to them for taking care of me all those years ago.  I can never tell them how much it meant.  Then and now.

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever having a fight between us.

Until next time................

Music and Memories

I was born a century too late.

Some of you who just read that, have, or had, a puzzled look on your face.  Why would anyone want to go back a century and give up all the mechanical, cultural, and medical advantages that we have today?  Just take a look at the headlines and ask that question again.

We went to a free concert/fund raiser on the White River yesterday.  Usually the park is super crowded with people when something like this is provided for the community.  Granted we got there late, but there were fewer than one hundred people in the park, but the setting of the bandstand with the river in the background and the wind cooling those sitting in the shade was perfect.

My mind flashed back to early last century when the whole community would gather on the weekends around the bandstand to enjoy music, food, visiting, and relaxing.  Now, we fail in getting that sense of community, as many of these events are marred by violence of many different varieties.  I am not blaming anyone, for there is blame enough to go around for everyone.

I remember as a kid, sitting around listening to music being played and singing, either around a campfire or sitting on cars around the court house square.  These were special times are what memories cling to and revert to when needed for body and soul.  These are the times that soothed and refreshed and allowed us to regenerate feelings of peace and calm.  That is what we all need.  Especially now.

Until next time....................

A Different Point of View

While in Wal Mart today I saw a little girl any where from 18 mos to 2 years.  A beautiful little girl to be sure, but what she was doing is what caught my attention.  She was bent at the waist and looking down action ally upside down.

I remember doing that too as a kid.  Seeing the world like that was interesting to say the least.  It looks like people are walking on the ceiling with nothing falling out of his pockets, nor women's purses and hair hanging down.  Sometimes it even improved peoples looks.

With ALS I have done some of the same things myself.  Instead of planning for events next year or the year after, I have put more emphasis on what I am doing next week or next month.  Making plans for further in advance seems to me futile in a way.  I am content in planning for the next day and the next week.

In a way it has been liberating not to have to plan for the future.  I get to do today things that I have wanted to do for so long, and just have not found the time or had resources to do at the time.  My family supports me in this, although they shake their heads sometimes and call me a dork.  That is okay too.

I am glad I ran into that little girl today.  She reminded me that I can look at things upside down and they some how make sense.

Besides it is just fun.

Until next time............................

A Walk In The Woods

I spent a few hours in the woods with the grandson this morning.

Up until a couple of years ago I had not hunted regularly in a long time.  That all changed with Bill, my oldest grandson, coming to stay with us along with his Mom, older sister, and younger brother.  To say that we had a houseful is something of an understatement.  Bill is one that would rather be out in the woods or on a stream/lake.  I soon found out that in spite of having ADHD he was focused and attentive.  I have tried since then to get him out as much as possible.

I bought his first rod and reel combination and tackle box for him.  I have also bought his first .22.  During this season he is using my shotgun.  Now before any gets all up in arms about what I should be buying for him or not buying for him, let me just say that he not only took the Hunter's Education Class (mandated by law but he would have taken it any way as per Papa's law) but went through several hours of gun safety and education from me.  I trust him with a gun but he is not unsupervised when he is handling one either.

Bill used to be totally scared of anything that was remotely loud.  Firecrackers and thunder included.  He has matured enough to over come most of those fears now.  With whatever 'new' fire arm he sees to be able to handle it, he wants to shoot it.  He is a pretty good shot.  His first squirrel with a .22 took 11 shots to bring it down.  Today with the shotgun he got 5 squirrels with 6 shots.  Unfortunately he lost one that he shot.  With my one we got half of a limit of squirrels.  It makes me proud to have been with him and see him develop into the young man he is today.

Today is extra special to me at least.  With ALS I may not have that many more seasons to go to the woods and hunt with Bill.  I am sure that he will do his best to take me with him when it comes to that.  More importantly he will have the memories of the first squirrel, the most squirrels, and how he out hunted me every time.  Me I will always see in my minds eye him easing through the woods and stalking squirrels way up in the tree tops.  When he tells me about his hunt I will be able to see that even clearer than just remembering it.

I know that, if possible, I will be walking those woods with him after I am gone.

Maybe, just maybe, he will feel my presence with him and he will smile and take aim, whispering, "This is for you Papa."

Until next time...........................

Double Dog Dares

We just got back from three days of wonderful chaos.

In terms that all can understand, we had a mini vacation with family at a vacation rental house on Greers Ferry Lake in North Central Arkansas.  Three days of 9 children under the age of 15.  Three wonderful days of hearing shrieks, laughter, yelling, screaming, whispers, music, and utter silence when mouths were busy eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or if you prefer supper).

One side of the family more familiar with each other than the other, but as is with kids, fast and devoted friends by the time the first hour was up.  As I watched them play, I had a stray thought that with kids it does not matter what you have or what you lack that matters.  The only thing that matters, is having fun and laughing.

Should that not be how it is with adults?  Unfortunately it is not, for as we grow we jaded and judgmental.  Putting store in things that really don't matter in the long run and overlooking the simple joys. like dancing in the rain, ice cream, and stars at night.

I know I still stop and look up on a clear night and try to pick out the Big Dipper, the North Star, Orion's Belt, and other constellations that have been known by the earliest man right down to the newest.  When I hear an airplane or see the jet stream from one miles in the air I look at them with a certain amount of wonder and amazement, even though I was trained in the theory of flight and the science behind it, it still strikes me that that much metal and machinery should not do what it does.

What is it that makes you stop and look and wonder?  I bet you haven't looked and wondered lately.

I see a shower coming.  I double dog dare you to dance in the rain with me.

Until next time..............

Grandson Hunting Buddy

Went hunting again today with the oldest grandson.  I never thought that going on a simple squirrel hunting trip would be so satisfying.

Seven years ago Bill would not get any where around loud noises much less shoot a rifle or shotgun. He would go fishing because it did not require any loud noises or recoil.  He has overcome his fears and embraced hunting and being the woods.

This morning we got a late start and only left the house at daylight when we should have been in the woods at that time.  I apologized to him for such a late start.  "That's okay, Papa.  At least we are getting to go."  Gotta love that he was only worried about going and not that we had missed prime time hunting.

I am amazed at how mature and loving kids can be at times.  Especially since he knows that I have ALS and I am going to die.  I would not be surprised if he takes me to the woods one day and helps me hunt and acts as the retriever.  I don't know if that is something that I have instilled in him or if he is just that way.

I do know this though, he is a good kid overall and I love him so very much.

Fruit Salad

I made a big, really huge, fruit salad the other day.  Watermelon, cantaloupe, apples, pears, peaches, plums, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and I am sure I missed a few others we found at the grocery store and picked up.  No sugar added.  It might sound odd but all of the flavors blended together make an unforgettable combination.  I think I just made myself hungry.

I got to thinking after I made it up that the mixture is like the friends and family that I have had in my life.  We are a huge mixture of English, German, Indian (Native American not from the subcontinent), Hungarian, Korean, Black (none of my friends with dark skin are originally from Africa so they are not African-American), Japanese, Dutch, and a few I am sure I have missed.  In the mixing and matching that has taken place we have become richer in our lives and hearts because of the mixing.

I know my life is richer beyond comprehension for all of my friends.  I feel better when I see smiles from them or hear of something good that has happened to them.  I join in their happiness and try to convey my sorrow in their times of lose.

It pains me to no end that I will eventually be the cause of much sorrow in their lives.  If I could change that I would.  God knows there is too much sorrow here on Earth for me to be the cause of more.

Yet we are still like that fruit salad I made.  Alone some of the fruit is tart.  Others may be overly sweet.  Together they are just right and compliment each other.  Maybe that is what life should be like, we each making a contribution that compliments the other, balancing out the bad with the good.

As for me I know that I have been overly blessed by knowing you all, and my life the better for it.

Until next time..................

Three Letters

Three little letters.

That's all it takes to make a very big word.  It is one that is used to ask a question, to finish an explanation, to get to a deeper meaning, to be angry.  Three letters long, but its impact is way out of proportion to its length.

We ask it of ourselves.  We ask it of others.  We ask it of God.

But it rarely if ever gives us answers.  That in itself can be an answer.  Many times the answers we seek are answered by getting no answer.  I know that really does not make sense, but that is what I have seen in my life.

I have not asked myself this question since I was diagnosed with ALS.  I don't need to.  It is enough for me to know that I have this terrible thing going on with my body.  I chose not to dwell on the thing that I cannot change with this disease, but on what I can control and what I can continue to do.  Which is surprisingly a lot.  Sure I have my good days and I have my terrible ones.  But every one is one more that I can have.

I have never asked why, and I hope I never do.  That would take away from what time I have left by worrying about what I cannot change and seeking answers to questions that will not change the outcome for me.

Time is better spent giving to others and contributing to finding a prevention or a cure.

I will leave it to you to ask why.

Until next time....................

Thank You

Just got back in town tonight from visiting the kids and brought three of the grands back with us.  for the next 9 days we are parents again.  I don't know how we will fare.  We might be better off than they are at the end of that time.

Mom was 42 when I was born and Dad was 44.  When I was 16 they were 58 and 60.  I have a hard enough time in keeping up with the grand-kids, I can't imagine raising one of my own at this age.  I know I was not as aware of age and its toll on a body then but I am definitely, painfully, aware of that now.

All I can say is Thank You Mom and Dad I miss you both every day.  I will see you soon.

Until next time..........................

Gone Hunting

Went squirrel hunting today.  I almost did not go.  With all of the rain that we have had lately it was just not worth getting out and getting wet for nothing.

Bill was here with us and when the sun was shining brightly here at the house, he asked if we could go hunting.  We grabbed our stuff and headed out.  About half way there I noticed a rain shower right over the place where we were headed to.  Went went through some almost too heavy rain to get there and just as we pulled up the rain cutoff like it was a curtain and we had passed from one side to the other.

Out into the woods and I hear Bill shoot.  I was hoping he had one on the ground and in the bag so to speak.  I went a little deeper in where I was hunting and saw two way up in the tree tops about a hundred feet off of the ground.  After a stalk of fifteen minutes I got one of the two.  I hear four more shots from his direction.  When we finally met up at the truck to head out for home, I found out Bill had three and I one.  One of our very best days of hunting together.

If you want a moral, or a teaching point, or even a life lesson from all of this, there is none.  Just a simple story of two guys who love each other and would rather spend a day in the soggy woods than sit inside and act like everything is alright when we know it isn't.

If you insist on finding the deep meaning in this entry then go ahead and try.  All I can say is you missed a magnificent tree while looking at the forest.  Or something like that.

Until next time.......................................

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? Chicago 1969

I went to town today to get the mail.  While I was driving I was listening to Chicago.  Their song Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? came on.  Besides having a really long title, it is a pretty good song.  It got me to thinking though about time and how we make use of it in our lives.

We start off not having any concept of time at all except for what our tummies tell us it is time for.  Supper!  An then we are disappointed because it is milk........ahhhgiiinnn!  Come on Mom something different would be nice.  You know something like pudding?

Then it is governed by daylight and darkness and the monsters under our beds.  Yep you know the ones that make that scary noise when your trying to sleep.  That rattle and whistling noise from their nose.  Then there is the loud booms when it rains.  That's the really scary part when I am trying to sleep.  Wakes me up when it shakes the bed.

Then the seasons.  You know, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring.  Or if you were raised in the South, HOT!, Not so Hot, Kinda Cool, and Here Comes the HOT! Again.  Not complaining you know but can some one besides the menopausal grandmothers in the house be in charge of the thermostat for once.

Then we become aware of  minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, and centuries all proceeding at the pace of an arthritic snail, or trying to break the downhill flow record of a hurricane powered rain drop in the middle of a tornado.  Depending on whether you're expecting something good or in dread of something bad coming up, like pudding for supper again.

Then there is grandparent time.  You know, how time creeps by between visits, and yesterday-you-were-a-new-born-being-held-by-me-in-the-hospital-for-the-first-time-and-today-you-are-graduating-college.  If you don't get that it's okay, it is reserved for parents and grandparents and even we that are those don't fully get it either.  I think it is somewhere around Warp 10 or 11.

Some where along in there you find out your dying and time changes once again.  It becomes the most precious of all commodities, to be used wisely, conservatively, and slowly.  Oh so slowly.  You don't know how much you have and you really don't know how fast you're spending it, but you are so painfully aware of how you spend each and every second.  You have to decide to spend it in doing something that truly makes you happy, whatever that is, or you can sit numb and uncaring, in a near catatonic state, making all sad and miserable, achieving nothing of value, like happiness and good memories.

I know what time is now.  Am I going to share with you that answer?  Nope.  Part of each person's journey is discovery, and discovering what time really is, is one of the most important parts of that journey.  Does it change you?  I think it does in a way.  The discovery sloughs off the conventional thinking that, like barnacles on a pier, cover up what is really important and allows us to freely use what we have.  Wisely.  Slowly.

Honey! will you get away from that thermostat and fix me something to eat, and it better not be pudding again either!  Oh sorry not you.

Until next time.......................


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCVhoyEKYt4  (enjoy!)

A Compliment

There are things in life that catch us unawares.

Sometimes these are the good surprises that come our way like a new book autographed by the author.  Some times it is seeing old friends that throw their arms around you and hug you like it was yesterday and you were in love.  Some of the best are when you find money in a coat that you have not worn for over a year.

On the other hand you can get news like we received in January.

News that makes even the doc frown when they tell you about it.  News that takes forever to soak in and make its presence known fully and irrevocably as a fact.  It is soaking in that takes the time.  Even though I have known since before January that I had something going on that just was not good, it is still hard to say it out loud.  Especially to ones who do not know.

And the reactions that you get when you say three simple letters of the alphabet.  Although ALS has been known about for ages, few people actually don't know it by that name.  You say ALS and you get the blank stare like Huh?  Then you say Lou Gehrig's Disease and they give the wide eye recognition of what it is and then disbelief as it soaks in a little more.  All in the space of what, seconds?

There are times though, when no explanation is needed.  Comprehension comes instantly and forcibly.  A caught breath.  A slight tremble of the hand.  Eye contact made then lost, then made again.  Hand reaching out to touch an arm in an effort to comfort.  All the while the unspoken questions running through their head.  How long?  How are they dealing with this?  I want to know more but dare I ask?

This weekend I saw an old friend of some 50 years.  I am not for sure he knew but we told him any way.  His immediate reaction was, well, one I had not heard before.  "You know without that ear ring and beard you look a lot like your dad."  Wow!  he knew exactly what to say to make my day.

Thank you my friend for that unexpected surprise and compliment.

Until next time.................