Cross Check

It's 1983 somewhere over Southern Alabama, in the cockpit of a UH1H Iroquois, better known as a Huey, and a cocksure young man wearing the the bars of a 1st Lieutenant is trying to master the art of flying using only the instruments on the panel in front of him.  And getting his butt kicked.  In his head and over the intercom, he is hearing the words, "Cross check, CROSS CHECK, CROSS CHECK!" 

Those two little words mean to look at each instrument in turn to make sure you are in trim, you are holding altitude, maintaining airspeed, and there are no malfunctions on the only thing keeping you in the air which is the engine.  The wannabe aviator had to look at each in turn and not get mesmerized by any one of the gauges and instruments that kept him going in the right direction to arrive at the right place, at the right time, and in one piece.

You must scan across each one taking in the details in less than a second and move on to the next one while making any corrections that might need to be made.  Eventually you become quite good at it. Some can do it a lot quicker than others so that it seems they are natural and adept flyers.  As any flight instructor will tell you there is no such thing as a "natural" pilot, so most of us have to practice, practice, and practice some more to meet the standards.

I suppose life is much the same way.  None of us have the advantage of being "natural" at living.  We are taught by, if we are really lucky, loving and patient people around us who have gone through what we are going through at the time, years before.  Specifics may have changed over time but the goals of growing and living and loving never change.

I find myself cross checking everything in my daily life now. Almost frantically looking at everything, and trying to take it all in.  Picking out details and minutia that others might miss.  This time of year is especially important to me because so much changes on a daily, if not hourly basis.  Spring bringing new growth and renewed life to the earth.  Children growing and stretching their boundaries.  Old folks growing older and, hopefully, wiser.

Yet, if I do not look, if I do not see, if I do not take it all in, I miss it.  I miss the first buds on the trees,  The opening of a flower blossom, going from a promise to perfection.  The start of new life as shoots of bulbs push through the earth to get to the sunlight.  Birds, and reptiles pushing through egg shells that they have been in, seeking their own freedom and existence.

I used to take all of this for granted, but not any more.  This year there is an urgency to take it all in because I do not know how many more such moments like these I have left.

So I urge you on this fine Easter Sunday, to cross check your life in each and every moment.  Look for the things that are important.  Look for the beauty.  See the things that need to be corrected and correct them and move on to the next.  Feel the energy of being alive.  Give love where needed and not just where expected.

Most importantly live!  Not just breath.  Live!  Grab life by the nape of the neck and scream, "I am alive!  I will wring out every last drop of living out of life that I can!  I will LIVE!"

Oh that young officer?  He did make it through and went on to fly air ambulances and in doing so saved a few lives along the way.



Until next time..........................

Unleash Your Inner Elvis!

One of the manifestations of ALS is muscle twitching.  You know that little nervous tic you get at the corner of your eye some times?  It is the same thing only in larger muscles of the face, arms, and legs.

It really is strange to watch these tics.  When they first began it was like something just below the skin trying to get out.  Sorta like in Alien when, at the end, Sigourney Weaver gives birth to the Alien baby.  It was cool.  They didn't hurt and were entertaining, at least to me.  Okay, I'll admit it, I'm weird.

What started out in the inside of my elbow of my right arm, has now spread to more, and larger muscles, in my arms and shoulders.  Now to my face as well.  No I am not always making faces at you on purpose, but it is sometimes.  I can make faces and have a ready excuse if some one should take offence.  I can have so much fun and get away with it all at the same time.

But I digress.

A new tic has showed up in the past week or two.  It is on the right side of my nose and upper lip.  The best way to describe this one is, it is like a string connected to my upper lip and it is being pulled straight up.

Yeah, you know where this is going.

Elvis made that expression famous when he was at the top of his popularity.  A half grin, half sneer, all attitude.  Made in the direction of young attractive girls and there might have been a swooning in the making.

Whenever this happens to me now I have to giggle a little to myself.  It is funny to me because I have the thought that I am channeling my inner Elvis.  And it is all involuntary on my part.  I'm not even sure that I could make that face voluntarily now or not.  Tell the truth, I was never very good at making it when I could control it.  I'm better at it now than then.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am still having fun even with the curve ball that life has thrown my way.  If I would let it, all of this could wear me down and drive me into seclusion and depression, more dependent on a pill to put me to sleep at night, another to wake me up in the morning, and a third to keep me from shooting jerks that I would come across all day long.

As it is I can make faces at you and you will never know if it is me doing it on purpose or the ALS doing it for me.

And I will never tell.


Until next time...................

A Challenge

There is one thing that I wish you, the reader would do.  Take a day and go out in public and try to make it through the day without speaking.  Use any other means to communicate that you have, gestures, sign language, Arkansas Hillbilly iPads (if you don't know what that is let me know and I will tell you where to get one), write notes.  Go where people don't necessarily know who you are and try and strike up a conversation.  The only caveat is that you cannot tell any one that this is an experiment.  And you can't "cheat" by talking when no one else is around.

If you do this, let me know what your experience is/was like for the day.  Tell me of any insights you get from doing this as well.

Should be interesting.



Until next time..........

Imagine.........

Imagine that you are dreaming and.....

No matter how tightly you grip something it still slips out of your hand.

When you try and talk nothing but a grunt comes out.

You smell food and want beyond want to taste it but know that you cannot because your tongue does not function and you wind up choking on your food.

You want to stand but your legs try to give out on you.

You hit a nerve in your finger and it sends shooting pain through your hand.

You want to lift something but you don't have the strength to do it.

You want to go on a day trip or other special occasion and an hour into it you are exhausted.

Want to hold your loved one close, but your arms don't work right.
You try to use a spray can and you can't get the button pushed.

You have a cramp in your toes that will not release and you cannot reach them to get them to release.

Your toes for no reason feel like a dull ax blade is being pushed down on them and there is no relief.

You are in pain and try to take a pain pill but you can't get it swallowed because your throat doesn't function like it should.

Your arms and legs constantly feel like they are asleep with no reason for them to be so.

Because you cannot talk, people think you are mentally deficient.  Lay people as well as professionals.

Now imagine waking up and realizing that it is not a dream but reality.  That is what I, and thousands of others with ALS, wake up to every day.  Our bodies slowly betraying us.  Our minds telling us that we can still do things that a year ago, a month ago, a week ago we could do with no problems but this week, this day, this hour, we cannot.

It is frustrating, depressing, and demoralizing to face these new facts of life and living each and every day, but we do it each and every day that we have.  For each of those days are more precious than anything you can name, and they become more valuable for each one that passes.  For we, the ones with ALS, know how close we are to dying.

And we have gotten good at hiding that from loved ones.



Until next time........................