Knight In Not So Shiny Armour

It was in 1980 or so that I first heard the phrase, "You're my knight in shining armour."

I never felt that I was worthy of that.  "That" being put on a pedestal and adored so much.

During our life together I have managed to tarnish, dent, and now crack that armour in so many places.  I am amazed at how much we have gone through together, and how much we have grown, and grown closer, despite those dents, dings, and cracks.

Now, when I am battling this insidious thing called ALS, not only the armour is being breached in places, but the pedestal that she put me on so many years ago is also cracking.  Some day soon that pedestal while come tumbling down and bring me to a sudden and final halt.

For all the years that we have been together and all the bad times that we have made it through, this will be the only time that I will not be around to help her.  To let her lean on me.  To hold her tight and tell her all will be okay.  To wipe her tears away in the middle of the night.  To just hold her.

And that will be the final, fatal crack in my armour.  That tarnished, rusty shell that has been with me all these years, will have been broken beyond repair.  For I will, for the most important time in her life, fail her.  There will be no second chances on this one.

If you ask me if I am afraid of dying, I will tell you no.  That is the truth.  The truth that we all must face eventually.  Some sooner than others.  Some knowing it is coming and some never ever conceiving it might be them.  What I fear most about dying, is how those I leave behind will fare, knowing that I will not be there to help them through their grief.  I can only hope that memories of us in happy times will help.

Once again my armour will be free of the dents, dings, cracks and rust in my Angel's memories, and I will be her hero once again.



Until next time...................

Without Glasses, In The Dark

I woke up last night to go to the bathroom.  I was rubbing my belly when I found something hard on it.  Without thinking I tried to look at it.  I put it on the end of my finger and looked at it.  That's when it hit me.  One, I didn't have my glasses on and without them I can't see a billboard at twenty paces.  Two, I was in the dark.

Uh, duhhhh!

I felt like the blonde that looked over the chain link fence to see what was on the other side.

Unfortunately, that is how many of us go through life.  Without glasses and in the dark.  We find things and can't see how wonderful they are because we don't have our glasses on, or we are in the dark.  It is sad to think of what we might miss simply because we don't take the time to view what is right in front of us.

I was that way for a long time.  In high school I didn't see the girls right in front of me who wanted to be more than just a friend.  I missed out on a lot of good times because I was so shy and unobservant.  One lady, years later confessed to me she was so in love with me that she cried all day the day that she found out I had gotten married.  Fortunately we were able to reconnect years latter and became close again along with our spouses.

Or the times that opportunity came knocking in the form of a job.  You know the kind of job that only comes along once in a long while and never to be repeated again.  For what ever reason we don't recognize what a jewel the opportunity really is.  My high school English teacher comes to mind when he told us that he could have bought in to a company for a hundred dollars.  he just couldn't see how a guy could succeed in converting vans in his garage to campers.  And that name, Winnebago, what's up with that?

Now that I have ALS I can no longer sit back and ignore chances when they come by.  Recognizing them might be like looking at that hard thing I found on my belly. Without my glasses.  In the dark. So I guess I will just have to take more chances and hope for the best.

Oh and no I never figured out what it was.  Not for sure I want to either.



Until next time.................