I have been hurting the last few days, and I have come to the conclusion that I don't need to be writing anything, to any one, about anything that needs concentration. Especially when I take my pain med (right now a mild one compared to what I will sooner or later be on). Here is an example:
Me: (Mid afternoon after being up at 4:30 to hunt) We should have gone sooner.
Billy: Why?
Me: To hunt.
Billy: We got there before sun up.
Me: The sun was up?
Billy: (Looks confused)
Me: WE got the sun u
Billy: No. You woke me up remember?
Me: Oh okay.
And then there is the conversations that go on in my head, but we won't go there. Nope that is even scary to me and its my brain that hears those voices.
Then again they do come up with some really good things to think about like why is the McBurgler never arrested? Are they just a bunch of clowns at McDonald's or what?
Do you have to be redheaded to work at Wendy's?
Was Jessica Rabbit really just drawn that way or what? If Jessica Rabbit's singing career goes south could she get a job at Hooters at her age?
Until next time.............
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Thursday, June 25, 2015
A Wake Before We Go
I have started to reach out to those folks that I have met along the way. I don't want to seem narcissistic nor egotistical but it is important for me. I am trying to do it in such a way, that if some who really couldn't stand me then, will not have to contact me now. They have that option and I am not forcing myself on them.
It is funny how people will suddenly become friendly with you when they realize you will not be around that long. I do not want to seem hypocritical and make all friendly with people I really could not stand to be around when I was not ill. Why should I do that now that I am ill? It just doesn't sit well with me.
Besides that I might feel as if I should tell people off. Which would take some doing, because I would have to write it down on the AR Hillbilly iPad which would give me writer's cramp or I would have to sign it to them and I doubt that they would even understand that. I think that either way I would be in trouble.
I wonder how many people would come if I held my own wake? Before I die of course. Set up a party and throw open the doors for anyone who wishes to come, and see how many people show up. Now that would be the thing to see, an Irish wake with the guest of honor up and walking around, listening to all of the stories being told and get the goodbyes said to me in person.
Ah not that would be the thing.
Until next time..............
It is funny how people will suddenly become friendly with you when they realize you will not be around that long. I do not want to seem hypocritical and make all friendly with people I really could not stand to be around when I was not ill. Why should I do that now that I am ill? It just doesn't sit well with me.
Besides that I might feel as if I should tell people off. Which would take some doing, because I would have to write it down on the AR Hillbilly iPad which would give me writer's cramp or I would have to sign it to them and I doubt that they would even understand that. I think that either way I would be in trouble.
I wonder how many people would come if I held my own wake? Before I die of course. Set up a party and throw open the doors for anyone who wishes to come, and see how many people show up. Now that would be the thing to see, an Irish wake with the guest of honor up and walking around, listening to all of the stories being told and get the goodbyes said to me in person.
Ah not that would be the thing.
Until next time..............
Monday, June 22, 2015
Cousin/brothers Cousin/sisters
Cousin/brother cousin/sister.
These are my contribution of two new words to the American English language for this year. The definition? Cousins that are so close that they are more a brother or sister living in a different home with different parents but are still related. I came up with this term while watching my grand-kids this week. They have spent so much time together in their short lives that they are more like brothers and sisters than cousins. And they fight like they are brother and sisters. Believe me it is not that pretty.
I only had one set of cousins that were close enough physically to be considered cousin/brothers and sisters. Despite them moving back to my home town when the eldest one was a teenager, people I had grown up with thought they were my brothers and sister. Here I am short and dark headed and they were all redheaded or shading that way and tall.
As most of my brothers and one sister were gone from home by the time I hit middle school (at that time 7th grade) y cousins became a second family to me. They would include me in their activities and would let tag along with them at football and basketball games. To a shy, somewhat backwards kid this was a godsend.
Later when the boys were old enough to drive they would come get me and take me hunting or fishing or any other activity I might have liked. I, and they, went our own ways for a while, still keeping in touch through our parents so that we would know what was going and how we were doing. We saw each other at family gatherings and other places. I even worked for one briefly. We have talked more now that my health is what it is. That's a shame too. It should not take the impending death of a person to reforge the ties that bind.
To them and my other set of cousin/sisters, I want to tell them of my love and gratitude to them for taking care of me all those years ago. I can never tell them how much it meant. Then and now.
Come to think of it, I don't remember ever having a fight between us.
Until next time................
These are my contribution of two new words to the American English language for this year. The definition? Cousins that are so close that they are more a brother or sister living in a different home with different parents but are still related. I came up with this term while watching my grand-kids this week. They have spent so much time together in their short lives that they are more like brothers and sisters than cousins. And they fight like they are brother and sisters. Believe me it is not that pretty.
I only had one set of cousins that were close enough physically to be considered cousin/brothers and sisters. Despite them moving back to my home town when the eldest one was a teenager, people I had grown up with thought they were my brothers and sister. Here I am short and dark headed and they were all redheaded or shading that way and tall.
As most of my brothers and one sister were gone from home by the time I hit middle school (at that time 7th grade) y cousins became a second family to me. They would include me in their activities and would let tag along with them at football and basketball games. To a shy, somewhat backwards kid this was a godsend.
Later when the boys were old enough to drive they would come get me and take me hunting or fishing or any other activity I might have liked. I, and they, went our own ways for a while, still keeping in touch through our parents so that we would know what was going and how we were doing. We saw each other at family gatherings and other places. I even worked for one briefly. We have talked more now that my health is what it is. That's a shame too. It should not take the impending death of a person to reforge the ties that bind.
To them and my other set of cousin/sisters, I want to tell them of my love and gratitude to them for taking care of me all those years ago. I can never tell them how much it meant. Then and now.
Come to think of it, I don't remember ever having a fight between us.
Until next time................
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Music and Memories
I was born a century too late.
Some of you who just read that, have, or had, a puzzled look on your face. Why would anyone want to go back a century and give up all the mechanical, cultural, and medical advantages that we have today? Just take a look at the headlines and ask that question again.
We went to a free concert/fund raiser on the White River yesterday. Usually the park is super crowded with people when something like this is provided for the community. Granted we got there late, but there were fewer than one hundred people in the park, but the setting of the bandstand with the river in the background and the wind cooling those sitting in the shade was perfect.
My mind flashed back to early last century when the whole community would gather on the weekends around the bandstand to enjoy music, food, visiting, and relaxing. Now, we fail in getting that sense of community, as many of these events are marred by violence of many different varieties. I am not blaming anyone, for there is blame enough to go around for everyone.
I remember as a kid, sitting around listening to music being played and singing, either around a campfire or sitting on cars around the court house square. These were special times are what memories cling to and revert to when needed for body and soul. These are the times that soothed and refreshed and allowed us to regenerate feelings of peace and calm. That is what we all need. Especially now.
Until next time....................
Some of you who just read that, have, or had, a puzzled look on your face. Why would anyone want to go back a century and give up all the mechanical, cultural, and medical advantages that we have today? Just take a look at the headlines and ask that question again.
We went to a free concert/fund raiser on the White River yesterday. Usually the park is super crowded with people when something like this is provided for the community. Granted we got there late, but there were fewer than one hundred people in the park, but the setting of the bandstand with the river in the background and the wind cooling those sitting in the shade was perfect.
My mind flashed back to early last century when the whole community would gather on the weekends around the bandstand to enjoy music, food, visiting, and relaxing. Now, we fail in getting that sense of community, as many of these events are marred by violence of many different varieties. I am not blaming anyone, for there is blame enough to go around for everyone.
I remember as a kid, sitting around listening to music being played and singing, either around a campfire or sitting on cars around the court house square. These were special times are what memories cling to and revert to when needed for body and soul. These are the times that soothed and refreshed and allowed us to regenerate feelings of peace and calm. That is what we all need. Especially now.
Until next time....................
Thursday, June 18, 2015
A Different Point of View
While in Wal Mart today I saw a little girl any where from 18 mos to 2 years. A beautiful little girl to be sure, but what she was doing is what caught my attention. She was bent at the waist and looking down action ally upside down.
I remember doing that too as a kid. Seeing the world like that was interesting to say the least. It looks like people are walking on the ceiling with nothing falling out of his pockets, nor women's purses and hair hanging down. Sometimes it even improved peoples looks.
With ALS I have done some of the same things myself. Instead of planning for events next year or the year after, I have put more emphasis on what I am doing next week or next month. Making plans for further in advance seems to me futile in a way. I am content in planning for the next day and the next week.
In a way it has been liberating not to have to plan for the future. I get to do today things that I have wanted to do for so long, and just have not found the time or had resources to do at the time. My family supports me in this, although they shake their heads sometimes and call me a dork. That is okay too.
I am glad I ran into that little girl today. She reminded me that I can look at things upside down and they some how make sense.
Besides it is just fun.
Until next time............................
I remember doing that too as a kid. Seeing the world like that was interesting to say the least. It looks like people are walking on the ceiling with nothing falling out of his pockets, nor women's purses and hair hanging down. Sometimes it even improved peoples looks.
With ALS I have done some of the same things myself. Instead of planning for events next year or the year after, I have put more emphasis on what I am doing next week or next month. Making plans for further in advance seems to me futile in a way. I am content in planning for the next day and the next week.
In a way it has been liberating not to have to plan for the future. I get to do today things that I have wanted to do for so long, and just have not found the time or had resources to do at the time. My family supports me in this, although they shake their heads sometimes and call me a dork. That is okay too.
I am glad I ran into that little girl today. She reminded me that I can look at things upside down and they some how make sense.
Besides it is just fun.
Until next time............................
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
A Walk In The Woods
I spent a few hours in the woods with the grandson this morning.
Up until a couple of years ago I had not hunted regularly in a long time. That all changed with Bill, my oldest grandson, coming to stay with us along with his Mom, older sister, and younger brother. To say that we had a houseful is something of an understatement. Bill is one that would rather be out in the woods or on a stream/lake. I soon found out that in spite of having ADHD he was focused and attentive. I have tried since then to get him out as much as possible.
I bought his first rod and reel combination and tackle box for him. I have also bought his first .22. During this season he is using my shotgun. Now before any gets all up in arms about what I should be buying for him or not buying for him, let me just say that he not only took the Hunter's Education Class (mandated by law but he would have taken it any way as per Papa's law) but went through several hours of gun safety and education from me. I trust him with a gun but he is not unsupervised when he is handling one either.
Bill used to be totally scared of anything that was remotely loud. Firecrackers and thunder included. He has matured enough to over come most of those fears now. With whatever 'new' fire arm he sees to be able to handle it, he wants to shoot it. He is a pretty good shot. His first squirrel with a .22 took 11 shots to bring it down. Today with the shotgun he got 5 squirrels with 6 shots. Unfortunately he lost one that he shot. With my one we got half of a limit of squirrels. It makes me proud to have been with him and see him develop into the young man he is today.
Today is extra special to me at least. With ALS I may not have that many more seasons to go to the woods and hunt with Bill. I am sure that he will do his best to take me with him when it comes to that. More importantly he will have the memories of the first squirrel, the most squirrels, and how he out hunted me every time. Me I will always see in my minds eye him easing through the woods and stalking squirrels way up in the tree tops. When he tells me about his hunt I will be able to see that even clearer than just remembering it.
I know that, if possible, I will be walking those woods with him after I am gone.
Maybe, just maybe, he will feel my presence with him and he will smile and take aim, whispering, "This is for you Papa."
Until next time...........................
Up until a couple of years ago I had not hunted regularly in a long time. That all changed with Bill, my oldest grandson, coming to stay with us along with his Mom, older sister, and younger brother. To say that we had a houseful is something of an understatement. Bill is one that would rather be out in the woods or on a stream/lake. I soon found out that in spite of having ADHD he was focused and attentive. I have tried since then to get him out as much as possible.
I bought his first rod and reel combination and tackle box for him. I have also bought his first .22. During this season he is using my shotgun. Now before any gets all up in arms about what I should be buying for him or not buying for him, let me just say that he not only took the Hunter's Education Class (mandated by law but he would have taken it any way as per Papa's law) but went through several hours of gun safety and education from me. I trust him with a gun but he is not unsupervised when he is handling one either.
Bill used to be totally scared of anything that was remotely loud. Firecrackers and thunder included. He has matured enough to over come most of those fears now. With whatever 'new' fire arm he sees to be able to handle it, he wants to shoot it. He is a pretty good shot. His first squirrel with a .22 took 11 shots to bring it down. Today with the shotgun he got 5 squirrels with 6 shots. Unfortunately he lost one that he shot. With my one we got half of a limit of squirrels. It makes me proud to have been with him and see him develop into the young man he is today.
Today is extra special to me at least. With ALS I may not have that many more seasons to go to the woods and hunt with Bill. I am sure that he will do his best to take me with him when it comes to that. More importantly he will have the memories of the first squirrel, the most squirrels, and how he out hunted me every time. Me I will always see in my minds eye him easing through the woods and stalking squirrels way up in the tree tops. When he tells me about his hunt I will be able to see that even clearer than just remembering it.
I know that, if possible, I will be walking those woods with him after I am gone.
Maybe, just maybe, he will feel my presence with him and he will smile and take aim, whispering, "This is for you Papa."
Until next time...........................
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Double Dog Dares
We just got back from three days of wonderful chaos.
In terms that all can understand, we had a mini vacation with family at a vacation rental house on Greers Ferry Lake in North Central Arkansas. Three days of 9 children under the age of 15. Three wonderful days of hearing shrieks, laughter, yelling, screaming, whispers, music, and utter silence when mouths were busy eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or if you prefer supper).
One side of the family more familiar with each other than the other, but as is with kids, fast and devoted friends by the time the first hour was up. As I watched them play, I had a stray thought that with kids it does not matter what you have or what you lack that matters. The only thing that matters, is having fun and laughing.
Should that not be how it is with adults? Unfortunately it is not, for as we grow we jaded and judgmental. Putting store in things that really don't matter in the long run and overlooking the simple joys. like dancing in the rain, ice cream, and stars at night.
I know I still stop and look up on a clear night and try to pick out the Big Dipper, the North Star, Orion's Belt, and other constellations that have been known by the earliest man right down to the newest. When I hear an airplane or see the jet stream from one miles in the air I look at them with a certain amount of wonder and amazement, even though I was trained in the theory of flight and the science behind it, it still strikes me that that much metal and machinery should not do what it does.
What is it that makes you stop and look and wonder? I bet you haven't looked and wondered lately.
I see a shower coming. I double dog dare you to dance in the rain with me.
Until next time..............
In terms that all can understand, we had a mini vacation with family at a vacation rental house on Greers Ferry Lake in North Central Arkansas. Three days of 9 children under the age of 15. Three wonderful days of hearing shrieks, laughter, yelling, screaming, whispers, music, and utter silence when mouths were busy eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner (or if you prefer supper).
One side of the family more familiar with each other than the other, but as is with kids, fast and devoted friends by the time the first hour was up. As I watched them play, I had a stray thought that with kids it does not matter what you have or what you lack that matters. The only thing that matters, is having fun and laughing.
Should that not be how it is with adults? Unfortunately it is not, for as we grow we jaded and judgmental. Putting store in things that really don't matter in the long run and overlooking the simple joys. like dancing in the rain, ice cream, and stars at night.
I know I still stop and look up on a clear night and try to pick out the Big Dipper, the North Star, Orion's Belt, and other constellations that have been known by the earliest man right down to the newest. When I hear an airplane or see the jet stream from one miles in the air I look at them with a certain amount of wonder and amazement, even though I was trained in the theory of flight and the science behind it, it still strikes me that that much metal and machinery should not do what it does.
What is it that makes you stop and look and wonder? I bet you haven't looked and wondered lately.
I see a shower coming. I double dog dare you to dance in the rain with me.
Until next time..............
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Grandson Hunting Buddy
Went hunting again today with the oldest grandson. I never thought that going on a simple squirrel hunting trip would be so satisfying.
Seven years ago Bill would not get any where around loud noises much less shoot a rifle or shotgun. He would go fishing because it did not require any loud noises or recoil. He has overcome his fears and embraced hunting and being the woods.
This morning we got a late start and only left the house at daylight when we should have been in the woods at that time. I apologized to him for such a late start. "That's okay, Papa. At least we are getting to go." Gotta love that he was only worried about going and not that we had missed prime time hunting.
I am amazed at how mature and loving kids can be at times. Especially since he knows that I have ALS and I am going to die. I would not be surprised if he takes me to the woods one day and helps me hunt and acts as the retriever. I don't know if that is something that I have instilled in him or if he is just that way.
I do know this though, he is a good kid overall and I love him so very much.
Seven years ago Bill would not get any where around loud noises much less shoot a rifle or shotgun. He would go fishing because it did not require any loud noises or recoil. He has overcome his fears and embraced hunting and being the woods.
This morning we got a late start and only left the house at daylight when we should have been in the woods at that time. I apologized to him for such a late start. "That's okay, Papa. At least we are getting to go." Gotta love that he was only worried about going and not that we had missed prime time hunting.
I am amazed at how mature and loving kids can be at times. Especially since he knows that I have ALS and I am going to die. I would not be surprised if he takes me to the woods one day and helps me hunt and acts as the retriever. I don't know if that is something that I have instilled in him or if he is just that way.
I do know this though, he is a good kid overall and I love him so very much.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Fruit Salad
I made a big, really huge, fruit salad the other day. Watermelon, cantaloupe, apples, pears, peaches, plums, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and I am sure I missed a few others we found at the grocery store and picked up. No sugar added. It might sound odd but all of the flavors blended together make an unforgettable combination. I think I just made myself hungry.
I got to thinking after I made it up that the mixture is like the friends and family that I have had in my life. We are a huge mixture of English, German, Indian (Native American not from the subcontinent), Hungarian, Korean, Black (none of my friends with dark skin are originally from Africa so they are not African-American), Japanese, Dutch, and a few I am sure I have missed. In the mixing and matching that has taken place we have become richer in our lives and hearts because of the mixing.
I know my life is richer beyond comprehension for all of my friends. I feel better when I see smiles from them or hear of something good that has happened to them. I join in their happiness and try to convey my sorrow in their times of lose.
It pains me to no end that I will eventually be the cause of much sorrow in their lives. If I could change that I would. God knows there is too much sorrow here on Earth for me to be the cause of more.
Yet we are still like that fruit salad I made. Alone some of the fruit is tart. Others may be overly sweet. Together they are just right and compliment each other. Maybe that is what life should be like, we each making a contribution that compliments the other, balancing out the bad with the good.
As for me I know that I have been overly blessed by knowing you all, and my life the better for it.
Until next time..................
I got to thinking after I made it up that the mixture is like the friends and family that I have had in my life. We are a huge mixture of English, German, Indian (Native American not from the subcontinent), Hungarian, Korean, Black (none of my friends with dark skin are originally from Africa so they are not African-American), Japanese, Dutch, and a few I am sure I have missed. In the mixing and matching that has taken place we have become richer in our lives and hearts because of the mixing.
I know my life is richer beyond comprehension for all of my friends. I feel better when I see smiles from them or hear of something good that has happened to them. I join in their happiness and try to convey my sorrow in their times of lose.
It pains me to no end that I will eventually be the cause of much sorrow in their lives. If I could change that I would. God knows there is too much sorrow here on Earth for me to be the cause of more.
Yet we are still like that fruit salad I made. Alone some of the fruit is tart. Others may be overly sweet. Together they are just right and compliment each other. Maybe that is what life should be like, we each making a contribution that compliments the other, balancing out the bad with the good.
As for me I know that I have been overly blessed by knowing you all, and my life the better for it.
Until next time..................
Friday, June 5, 2015
Three Letters
Three little letters.
That's all it takes to make a very big word. It is one that is used to ask a question, to finish an explanation, to get to a deeper meaning, to be angry. Three letters long, but its impact is way out of proportion to its length.
We ask it of ourselves. We ask it of others. We ask it of God.
But it rarely if ever gives us answers. That in itself can be an answer. Many times the answers we seek are answered by getting no answer. I know that really does not make sense, but that is what I have seen in my life.
I have not asked myself this question since I was diagnosed with ALS. I don't need to. It is enough for me to know that I have this terrible thing going on with my body. I chose not to dwell on the thing that I cannot change with this disease, but on what I can control and what I can continue to do. Which is surprisingly a lot. Sure I have my good days and I have my terrible ones. But every one is one more that I can have.
I have never asked why, and I hope I never do. That would take away from what time I have left by worrying about what I cannot change and seeking answers to questions that will not change the outcome for me.
Time is better spent giving to others and contributing to finding a prevention or a cure.
I will leave it to you to ask why.
Until next time....................
That's all it takes to make a very big word. It is one that is used to ask a question, to finish an explanation, to get to a deeper meaning, to be angry. Three letters long, but its impact is way out of proportion to its length.
We ask it of ourselves. We ask it of others. We ask it of God.
But it rarely if ever gives us answers. That in itself can be an answer. Many times the answers we seek are answered by getting no answer. I know that really does not make sense, but that is what I have seen in my life.
I have not asked myself this question since I was diagnosed with ALS. I don't need to. It is enough for me to know that I have this terrible thing going on with my body. I chose not to dwell on the thing that I cannot change with this disease, but on what I can control and what I can continue to do. Which is surprisingly a lot. Sure I have my good days and I have my terrible ones. But every one is one more that I can have.
I have never asked why, and I hope I never do. That would take away from what time I have left by worrying about what I cannot change and seeking answers to questions that will not change the outcome for me.
Time is better spent giving to others and contributing to finding a prevention or a cure.
I will leave it to you to ask why.
Until next time....................
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Thank You
Just got back in town tonight from visiting the kids and brought three of the grands back with us. for the next 9 days we are parents again. I don't know how we will fare. We might be better off than they are at the end of that time.
Mom was 42 when I was born and Dad was 44. When I was 16 they were 58 and 60. I have a hard enough time in keeping up with the grand-kids, I can't imagine raising one of my own at this age. I know I was not as aware of age and its toll on a body then but I am definitely, painfully, aware of that now.
All I can say is Thank You Mom and Dad I miss you both every day. I will see you soon.
Until next time..........................
Mom was 42 when I was born and Dad was 44. When I was 16 they were 58 and 60. I have a hard enough time in keeping up with the grand-kids, I can't imagine raising one of my own at this age. I know I was not as aware of age and its toll on a body then but I am definitely, painfully, aware of that now.
All I can say is Thank You Mom and Dad I miss you both every day. I will see you soon.
Until next time..........................
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