Since starting this blog I have been called an inspiration, a hero, remarkably strong and a positive role model. The fact is, like most tags that people put on you, these are not entirely true of me.
I will admit that some of my actions in dealing with ALS may in some small way help others come to terms with their daily struggle. Some have money problems. Some don't have enough to eat. Some lack shelter in the harshest of conditions. If there is, to others, an inspiration in my journey through the rest of my life then so be it. I am not setting out to be an inspiration. Believe me I would have chosen something entirely different from this to give inspiration to my fellow man (and woman. I don't need the label of sexist too). I might have chosen to be the first to attain the highest altitude in a helium balloon lawn chair while drinking root beer floats without throwing up. Maybe I still have time to do that.
I am no hero either. Oh, yes my kids can see me in that role. The grand kids as well. After all who doesn't see their parent that way? Well maybe not the abused and thrown away ones. But there are one or two of them that call me Dad as well. The ones who adopted me into their lives. The ones that I was there for in a critical time, that made a difference in their lives at one moment in time. I still don't see myself as a hero in that light either. I did for them what any person would have done in the same circumstances.
I am not remarkably strong. For as long as I can remember I have had doubts about myself. While it is true that I am at peace with the ultimate outcome of this disease, I am scared to death about the journey to get there and how my failing health will affect the ones that I have loved the most in my lifetime. I have to be strong for them. I have to comfort them. I have to love them more intensely now so that they can remember that love and have it sustain them when I am no longer able to express to them how much I care. And I am scared that that one thing will push them away. I am afraid that I will smother them. That their life will be defined in my dying. The life they live should be defined not by death but by the life they live. One filled to the rim with love, laughter, joy, and beauty. If I am strong, my strength flows from that desire.
Now that brings me to the last accolade, positive role model. I can only wish. I have made too many mistakes in life to be a role model. I have one last chance to make it right. I don't know how long that chance will last, so I have to make the time count. I have to weigh carefully what I do and how I spend my time. I choose to spend my time in doing productive things. I choose to make memories that bring a smile to the lips of people. I choose to do for my Angel. Lastly I choose to treat myself better. To do what makes me happy and possess, for a short time, material things that make me feel good. If that is a good role model so be it.
One more thing. I choose to treat myself to ice cream every day for as long as I can.
I hope that you do too.
Until next time.............
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