Stages of Grief

I didn't sit down and write anything on this blog yesterday because, frankly, I didn't feel like it.  My attitude was bad and the cold weather had me down as well.  A few years or even months ago I would have felt compelled to write even on the days that I was being negative.  Now I have the freedom to not write.

I have been thinking about how some people have reacted to how I am "handling" things.  I have been told I am courageous, an inspiration, a hero, some one to admire.  I don't know.  I don't feel like I am those things in particular.  I just feel like me.  Confused at times yes, but who is not?  Concerned about my family, but who would not be?

Over protected at times, and yeah I like that.  It means people are reaching outside of themselves to do a greater good.  If this illness I have is going to have a positive result, then that is one very big positive.  To reach outside of one's self to comfort someone is all too difficult at times, and inconvenient at other times.  For those that try, they receive more self- and other-awareness that can only enrich their life.

One thing people tell me is inspirational to them is how I am handling all of this.  To tell the truth I am not sure how I am supposed to be handling all of this.  I am kind of an armature at this dying thing you know.  I haven't found a manual on how I am supposed to act or what I am supposed to do.

Yes, I know the five stages of grief and how I am to go through all of the stages.  My question is why?  Why should I be in disbelief?  My body has been telling me for over a year now that something is wrong.  Why should I be angry?  No one did this to me on purpose.  Anger is just a waste of energy right now.  Why should I try and bargain?  With what?  There is no material thing that I possess that will lengthen my life, and knowing what I know about ALS I don't know that I want that.  Why be depressed?  I have done some really amazing things in my life that not every one gets to do.  This is just another adventure and journey to a remarkable conclusion.

Why not be in acceptance?  In October 2006 I had a major heart attack.  I should have died.  In fact I almost did.  I lived because a hero known as my youngest daughter saw it for what it was and called 911.  If it had not been for her prompt and correct action I would not have had the joy of holding her child in my arms or her nephew either.  I was spared that day for a reason.  I can only hope that I have fulfilled that reason and not left anything else undone.

Now I have more appreciation of all the little things; a good report card, a call from my babies, a hug, a kiss, a caress, a look of love, a special dish made just for me. These things and many, many more are the most precious items in the world.  Too bad dying makes them stand out as they should.

Until next time...............