I'm Thinking Of You

In just a few short days I will be seeing some people I have not seen in, well, 40 years.  Some I don't expect to see again.  You see it is our 40th year class reunion coming up.  When we were in High School and Seniors to boot, we could not have imagined being out of school for 10 years much less 40.

But that is how it goes.  We blink an eye and life is mostly gone.  For some of that class, life is totally gone.  As in any group of people we have lost some of ours to death already.  I think of them.

I don't get to see my family as often as I would like, my brother's having their lives and me mine.  My cousins are busy with their lives and managing retirement plans and businesses.  We are not as close as we once were but I think of them.

I see familiar faces in town at the store or at Little League Baseball.  People that I know I should know and whose names were once as familiar to me as my own.  Mostly I wonder if they remember who I am.  Some I am glad don't recognize me.  Admit it, you have people in your life like that as well.  I think of them.

I have a friend that will be doing my memorial service that I communicate with almost on a daily basis.  He is more than a friend, and I have trust in him to keep me laughing about something.  Mostly it is some out of left field that gets us all going and the giggles started.  I think of you.

All of these people I think of nearly on a daily basis.  Some on an hourly basis.  I don't tell them a lot that I think of them and that is a failing on my part.  So today, I want you to know that I am thinking of you.  Not for what you have done and will do for me.

If I have not told you lately, I just want you to know....... I'm thinking of you.



Until next time.................

Dying Laughing

It seems in life I have responded to serious illnesses by saying things that get everyone around me laughing.  Don't get me wrong I would never be a stand-up comedian or anything.  On an open mic night at a comedy club, and me being the only contestant, I would still loose.  That's how bad the jokes are.

At the VA ALS Clinic today, was one of those times.  It wasn't so bad with the doc and intern, but right after them came the psychologist.

Yeah.

Uh hu.  Hummmm I went there.

It was insane every cliche and bad psycho joke started running through my head.  But this time I didn't start it.  No really.  My oldest daughter that I love dearly, and whom will be brought up on justifiable homicide charges after she reads this, started it.  My first reaction was that they had finally caught up with me and I would be seeing the nice young men in those little white coats in a few seconds.  HER first response was to laugh and say, "With our family, doctor you can finally retire!"

This in the first few seconds she was in the room.  That was the high water mark.  Believe me it went down hill fast from there.

I won't, for legal purposes and for protection of the guilty, repeat any more of the conversation.

She, the psychologist, has a hard enough job as it is I suppose.  Talking to the living dead about how they are dealing with the fact that all too soon they will cease being the living dead and just be dead.  Now how bad a job is that?  I doubt that any amount of training would ever get me to where I could do that.  At least with a straight face.

All I can say is, Doc thanks for laughing a while with us for a while and letting us forget in our laughter that pain of knowing, and being so damn scared for just a little bit.  I hope it was good for you as well.

For the curious, I guess I passed, cause I got to go home.



Until next time.................

Knight In Not So Shiny Armour

It was in 1980 or so that I first heard the phrase, "You're my knight in shining armour."

I never felt that I was worthy of that.  "That" being put on a pedestal and adored so much.

During our life together I have managed to tarnish, dent, and now crack that armour in so many places.  I am amazed at how much we have gone through together, and how much we have grown, and grown closer, despite those dents, dings, and cracks.

Now, when I am battling this insidious thing called ALS, not only the armour is being breached in places, but the pedestal that she put me on so many years ago is also cracking.  Some day soon that pedestal while come tumbling down and bring me to a sudden and final halt.

For all the years that we have been together and all the bad times that we have made it through, this will be the only time that I will not be around to help her.  To let her lean on me.  To hold her tight and tell her all will be okay.  To wipe her tears away in the middle of the night.  To just hold her.

And that will be the final, fatal crack in my armour.  That tarnished, rusty shell that has been with me all these years, will have been broken beyond repair.  For I will, for the most important time in her life, fail her.  There will be no second chances on this one.

If you ask me if I am afraid of dying, I will tell you no.  That is the truth.  The truth that we all must face eventually.  Some sooner than others.  Some knowing it is coming and some never ever conceiving it might be them.  What I fear most about dying, is how those I leave behind will fare, knowing that I will not be there to help them through their grief.  I can only hope that memories of us in happy times will help.

Once again my armour will be free of the dents, dings, cracks and rust in my Angel's memories, and I will be her hero once again.



Until next time...................

Without Glasses, In The Dark

I woke up last night to go to the bathroom.  I was rubbing my belly when I found something hard on it.  Without thinking I tried to look at it.  I put it on the end of my finger and looked at it.  That's when it hit me.  One, I didn't have my glasses on and without them I can't see a billboard at twenty paces.  Two, I was in the dark.

Uh, duhhhh!

I felt like the blonde that looked over the chain link fence to see what was on the other side.

Unfortunately, that is how many of us go through life.  Without glasses and in the dark.  We find things and can't see how wonderful they are because we don't have our glasses on, or we are in the dark.  It is sad to think of what we might miss simply because we don't take the time to view what is right in front of us.

I was that way for a long time.  In high school I didn't see the girls right in front of me who wanted to be more than just a friend.  I missed out on a lot of good times because I was so shy and unobservant.  One lady, years later confessed to me she was so in love with me that she cried all day the day that she found out I had gotten married.  Fortunately we were able to reconnect years latter and became close again along with our spouses.

Or the times that opportunity came knocking in the form of a job.  You know the kind of job that only comes along once in a long while and never to be repeated again.  For what ever reason we don't recognize what a jewel the opportunity really is.  My high school English teacher comes to mind when he told us that he could have bought in to a company for a hundred dollars.  he just couldn't see how a guy could succeed in converting vans in his garage to campers.  And that name, Winnebago, what's up with that?

Now that I have ALS I can no longer sit back and ignore chances when they come by.  Recognizing them might be like looking at that hard thing I found on my belly. Without my glasses.  In the dark. So I guess I will just have to take more chances and hope for the best.

Oh and no I never figured out what it was.  Not for sure I want to either.



Until next time.................

Cross Check

It's 1983 somewhere over Southern Alabama, in the cockpit of a UH1H Iroquois, better known as a Huey, and a cocksure young man wearing the the bars of a 1st Lieutenant is trying to master the art of flying using only the instruments on the panel in front of him.  And getting his butt kicked.  In his head and over the intercom, he is hearing the words, "Cross check, CROSS CHECK, CROSS CHECK!" 

Those two little words mean to look at each instrument in turn to make sure you are in trim, you are holding altitude, maintaining airspeed, and there are no malfunctions on the only thing keeping you in the air which is the engine.  The wannabe aviator had to look at each in turn and not get mesmerized by any one of the gauges and instruments that kept him going in the right direction to arrive at the right place, at the right time, and in one piece.

You must scan across each one taking in the details in less than a second and move on to the next one while making any corrections that might need to be made.  Eventually you become quite good at it. Some can do it a lot quicker than others so that it seems they are natural and adept flyers.  As any flight instructor will tell you there is no such thing as a "natural" pilot, so most of us have to practice, practice, and practice some more to meet the standards.

I suppose life is much the same way.  None of us have the advantage of being "natural" at living.  We are taught by, if we are really lucky, loving and patient people around us who have gone through what we are going through at the time, years before.  Specifics may have changed over time but the goals of growing and living and loving never change.

I find myself cross checking everything in my daily life now. Almost frantically looking at everything, and trying to take it all in.  Picking out details and minutia that others might miss.  This time of year is especially important to me because so much changes on a daily, if not hourly basis.  Spring bringing new growth and renewed life to the earth.  Children growing and stretching their boundaries.  Old folks growing older and, hopefully, wiser.

Yet, if I do not look, if I do not see, if I do not take it all in, I miss it.  I miss the first buds on the trees,  The opening of a flower blossom, going from a promise to perfection.  The start of new life as shoots of bulbs push through the earth to get to the sunlight.  Birds, and reptiles pushing through egg shells that they have been in, seeking their own freedom and existence.

I used to take all of this for granted, but not any more.  This year there is an urgency to take it all in because I do not know how many more such moments like these I have left.

So I urge you on this fine Easter Sunday, to cross check your life in each and every moment.  Look for the things that are important.  Look for the beauty.  See the things that need to be corrected and correct them and move on to the next.  Feel the energy of being alive.  Give love where needed and not just where expected.

Most importantly live!  Not just breath.  Live!  Grab life by the nape of the neck and scream, "I am alive!  I will wring out every last drop of living out of life that I can!  I will LIVE!"

Oh that young officer?  He did make it through and went on to fly air ambulances and in doing so saved a few lives along the way.



Until next time..........................

Unleash Your Inner Elvis!

One of the manifestations of ALS is muscle twitching.  You know that little nervous tic you get at the corner of your eye some times?  It is the same thing only in larger muscles of the face, arms, and legs.

It really is strange to watch these tics.  When they first began it was like something just below the skin trying to get out.  Sorta like in Alien when, at the end, Sigourney Weaver gives birth to the Alien baby.  It was cool.  They didn't hurt and were entertaining, at least to me.  Okay, I'll admit it, I'm weird.

What started out in the inside of my elbow of my right arm, has now spread to more, and larger muscles, in my arms and shoulders.  Now to my face as well.  No I am not always making faces at you on purpose, but it is sometimes.  I can make faces and have a ready excuse if some one should take offence.  I can have so much fun and get away with it all at the same time.

But I digress.

A new tic has showed up in the past week or two.  It is on the right side of my nose and upper lip.  The best way to describe this one is, it is like a string connected to my upper lip and it is being pulled straight up.

Yeah, you know where this is going.

Elvis made that expression famous when he was at the top of his popularity.  A half grin, half sneer, all attitude.  Made in the direction of young attractive girls and there might have been a swooning in the making.

Whenever this happens to me now I have to giggle a little to myself.  It is funny to me because I have the thought that I am channeling my inner Elvis.  And it is all involuntary on my part.  I'm not even sure that I could make that face voluntarily now or not.  Tell the truth, I was never very good at making it when I could control it.  I'm better at it now than then.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I am still having fun even with the curve ball that life has thrown my way.  If I would let it, all of this could wear me down and drive me into seclusion and depression, more dependent on a pill to put me to sleep at night, another to wake me up in the morning, and a third to keep me from shooting jerks that I would come across all day long.

As it is I can make faces at you and you will never know if it is me doing it on purpose or the ALS doing it for me.

And I will never tell.


Until next time...................

A Challenge

There is one thing that I wish you, the reader would do.  Take a day and go out in public and try to make it through the day without speaking.  Use any other means to communicate that you have, gestures, sign language, Arkansas Hillbilly iPads (if you don't know what that is let me know and I will tell you where to get one), write notes.  Go where people don't necessarily know who you are and try and strike up a conversation.  The only caveat is that you cannot tell any one that this is an experiment.  And you can't "cheat" by talking when no one else is around.

If you do this, let me know what your experience is/was like for the day.  Tell me of any insights you get from doing this as well.

Should be interesting.



Until next time..........